We’ve done it boy pack up the internet
Why did the Mexican take a Xanax?
For Hispanic Attack!
I used to think I was indecisive…
But now Iâm not so sure.
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. She said, âWhat would you like to see?â
I said, âYou pick.â She said, âYou pick.â I said, âI donât care. You pick.â She said, âSir, there are people in line behind you waiting to buy tickets.â
What sort of music does bubble wrap not like?
POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP
Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton…
Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton, I would be stuck with a president under constant federal investigation from day one. Turned out, he was right. I voted for Clinton and I have been stuck for years with a president under federal investigation from day one.
We all know about Murphyâs Law â Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Coleâs Law?
Itâs thinly sliced cabbage.
classic
classic
How is performing cunnilingus similar to being in the mafia?
One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.
I panicked thinking I was gonna be fired cause I nailed my bosses daughter.
Then I became calm realizing I am self employed.
My boss fired me for cracking to many Asian jokes.
It ended my Korea.
I never really understood the point of inside jokes
They work just fine outside as well
Son: “Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl.”
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister." The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later: Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister." This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!" The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"
What is the definition of a will?
Come on guys it's a dead giveaway
Son: What rhymes with orange?
Dad: No, it doesnât
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
A guy sees a sign in front of a house that says: âTalking Dog for Sale.â
A guy sees a sign in front of a house that says âTalking Dog for Sale.â He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. âYou talk?â he asks. âYep,â the mutt replies. âSo, whatâs your story?â The mutt looks up and says: âWell, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. âThe jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasnât getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now Iâm just retired.â The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says: âTen dollars.â The guy says: âThis dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?â The owner replies: âHeâs just a big liar. He didnât do any of that stuff.â
Whatâs the difference between a boner and a bonus?
You donât have to beg your wife to blow your bonus.
This really hot chick in my apartment complex told me she wants us to be “friends with benefits”.
Does anyone know where I can purchase a group health insurance plan?
Everybody at our wedding cried
Even the cake was in tiers
What do an Amsterdam woman and Saudi woman have in common?
They both get stoned after sex
A wife came home early and…
One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset. âYou are a disrespectful pig!â she cried. âHow dare you do this to me! Iâm a faithful wife, the mother of your children! Iâm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!â The husband replied, âHang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.â âGo ahead,â she sobbed, âbut theyâll be the last words youâll say to me!â So the husband began, âWell, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadnât eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. The ones you wouldnât eat because youâre afraid youâll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments! Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but donât wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you donât wear because I donât have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you donât wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and donât wear because someone at work has a pair the same.â The husband took a quick breath and continued, âShe was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and saidâŠâ âDo you have anything else that your wife doesnât use?â
Facebook keeping important infrastructure out of the hands of junior developers
https://ift.tt/2CRGaB3
I’ve got a friend who reminds me of a software update.
Whenever I see him, I usually think "not now".
A bigot, a liar, and a rapist walk into a bar
The bartender asks, "what'll it be, Mr. President?"
My Math teacher told me 0! = 1
But my computer teacher told me 0 != 1
My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, âDaddy! Daddy! Guess how old Iâll be in August!â I said, âOh I donât know princess, why donât you tell me?â She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers…
Itâs now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she still wonât say where she got them…
What do you call a nose without a body?
Nobody nose!
One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp.
He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp. Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However, because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss." So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appeared in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account. For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lambergini, Ferrari and Porsche appeared. At the same time two of each car appeared outside of his boss' house. Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully," and to this the man replied, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney…"
A guy tries to walk into a bar
The bouncer says "No tie, no admittance". The guy goes back to his car, looks for a tie but only finds jumper cables. He arranges them around his neck like a tie and heads back in. The bouncer gives him an appraising glance, and says "OK; I'll let you in. But don't start anything!" Edit: this joke is a tribute to u/rogersimon10. What a legend he was.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter
Doctor’s Affair
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you." Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti – Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."
Did you guys see the preview for the movie about the worlds biggest 18-wheeler?
It was one really long trailer.