We’ve “socialized” healthcare for the old and poor and have left the profits from the young and healthy for private industry
It was the first day of school…
… and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. "Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' " She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?" Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863!" The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!" She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!" "Who said that?" she demanded. Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836." At that point, a student in the back said, "Send them all back." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Pedro answered, "Stephen Miller, 2016!" The student in the back yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" The teacher said to the student in the back, "Stop that right now, or I will alert the principal!" The anonymous student replied to her, "I didn't do anything wrong, everything I said was perfect!" Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Donald Trump, 2020." The teacher stormed out of the class to get the principal, and as the classmates looked at each other, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!" Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003." Finally someone throws an eraser at Pedro to get him to shut up, while someone else yells "Duck"! Pedro calls out, "Dick Cheney 2006!"
I’d be a terrible NASCAR driver
because I'm always right.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks “Dry?”
The German replies "Nein, just one."
![[O]f [C]ourse](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/0taecne88fh41-400x318.png)
What did the deaf person think when he won the auction?
I’ve won, but at what cost?
How do you spot a blind man at a nudist beach?
it's not hard…
I hate when Mommy and Daddy get drunk and start fights.
They are both way bigger than me and there are two of them. It's not fair.
I got arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia in its entirety
Before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything'
Why couldn’t the egg quit smoking?
Because he'd Benedicted to it. I thought of this joke over 20 years ago as a kid lol
A car full of Irish nuns
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. "Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross." Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!" Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?
“Russian Roulettes are safe”
-5/6 Scientists
My uncle once had a 24-hour epileptic episode.
Now that's what I call seizing the day.
What do storm troopers and churches have in common?
Pew-Pew-Pew-Pew-Pew
Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton…
Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton, I would be stuck with a president under constant federal investigation from day one. Turned out, he was right. I voted for Clinton and I have been stuck for years with a president under federal investigation from day one.
My aunt posts a lot of gold on her Facebook but I think this is my new favorite
https://ift.tt/2ZQDv57
Bro, can you pass me that pamphlet?
Brochure.
I used to shave my testicles with a razor blade.
But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore.
What organ can expand to 10 times it’s size…
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered so the teacher picked on a random student Little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
Moonlighting at stand-up comedy…
…the baker was known for his rye humor…
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
Wife: Harry what the heck? I thought you were fixing the fucking sink!
Husband: Well yeah, I'm watching a video on how to do it. Wife: And when does that part come? Husband: Probably after he finishes fucking her.
If you see somebody robbing an Apple store,
does that make you an iWitness?
Guys my calendar is really sick..
I think its days are numbered.
My grandfather’s last words were, “Gallons. Quarts. Litres.”
That spoke volumes.
Why China is arresting people for spreading misinformation?
Because spreading misinformation is government's job.
Why is Cinderella so bad at soccer?
She keeps running away from the ball.
A taxi driver, new on the job, picks up his first customer.
The driver then starts to head to the location designated by the passenger. A few minutes had passed and the whole trip had been quiet ever since. The radio isn't even turned on. The passenger is very interpersonal so he started to strike a conversation to break the silence. "Hey, ma-" "HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!" The driver abruptly hit the breaks. "Dude, wtf!" the passenger complained. The driver then apologised "Sorry, man. It's my first time on the job and I haven't adjusted from my previous job yet." "What did you do before this?" "I drove a hearse."
What do you call an unvaccinated toddler’s tantrum?
A mid-life crisis
Today I bought some shoes from a drug dealer…
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin all day.
How to die from falling down the stairs:
Step 1, Step 2, Step 4, Step 9, Step 22, Step 23,
I went to a faith healer last night and he was fucking shit,
even the bloke in the wheelchair got up and walked out!
If you ever feel your job is meaningless…
Just remember that it's somebody's job to install turn signals to BMW's
Mod Applications
We’ve been talking about mod apps for years now, but it’s never actually materialized.Well, here’s the Google FormAfter a week or so we will look through all of the responses and stalk profiles do research and see who the best candidates are.
