WFH
How do you make Easter easier?
Replace the t with an i.
Why is it easy to come up with nicknames for a tree?
Because they stick. I came up with this one, I hope it's good cause it's my only achievement in life.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar
One came, one saw, and one conquered.
How warm is a baby just before their birth?
Womb temperature
If Iron Man was a woman…
Would we call her Fe-Male?
Pilot: *over intercom* we’re all gonna die!
Passengers: start freaking out Pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when! Passengers: sigh with relief Pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit this mountain!!
Hay bales under a buck
https://ift.tt/2rYyv1i
My brother came to me and said that he didn’t understand cloning
I said that makes two of us
I left $100 in my suit jacket at the dry cleaners.
Unfortunately when I went to get it back, they were shut down for money laundering.
The gynecologist who became a mechanic!
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?” “The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.” After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career.”
My body is nicely defined.
If you look up the word "flabby".
“Dad, can you do my math homework for me?” “No son, it wouldn’t be right.”
"Well, at least you could try."
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Take off the ring and say goodbye to your house.
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
One requires tweetment and the other requires oinkment.
All my friends jokingly said that this girl I have a date with is imaginary.
Well, the joke is on them. Because so are they
I want to buy Apple’s new monitor but I only have $4,000…
I can’t stand it!
a dick’s life
A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess. His family is nuts. His next door neighbor is an asshole. His best friend is a pussy. His owner beats him habitually.
Detroit isn’t That Bad… Trust Me
A guy boards an airplane to Detroit and makes his way to his seat where he notices the guy sitting next to him looks very worried. He asks him if he's afraid of flying. "No, my company is moving me to Detroit. I've heard terrible things about Detroit; I'm worried about my family." The guy tells him, "Look, it's not at all like the rumors. I've lived in Detroit my whole life. Find a nice home in a nice suburb, get your kids into a decent school, the community is great… you'll be fine, trust me." The other guy seems to perk up and says, "Hey, thanks man, you've really calmed my nerves, I feel better. So what do you do in Detroit?" "I'm a tail-gunner on a Bud Light truck…"
I just got fired from my job as a taxi driver…
Turns out people don’t like it when you go the extra mile for them.
I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Some people are really worried about getting trapped in a cave full of minerals
but to me that's just a minor problem
I bought myself a gun a few years back after an attempted robbery
Since then, I have been a lot more successful in my attempts
The vagina has more than eight thousand nerve endings
But, it’s still not nearly as sensitive as Reddit.
I gave up my seat to a blind lady in the bus..
And that's how I lost my job as a bus driver
When people began using the alphabet, they only used 25 letters.
Nobody knew why.
A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes, so he walks down to the store only to find it closed.
So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3 a.m. and says, “Oh no, it’s so late, my wife’s going to kill me.” He takes his shoes outside and rubs them in the grass and mud, then proceeds home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed off. “Where the hell have you been?!?!” “Well, honey, it’s like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great-looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.” She sees his shoes are covered with grass and says, “You lying bastard!!! You’ve been fishing again!!!” Edit: Thank you for the silver kind stranger, you like fishing huh?
I love going outdoors…
It's much safer than going outwindows.
Personally, I don’t believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
Without a mask on, I shopped at a store that had a strict mask policy.
Before leaving, I asked the security guard why he let me shop without a cover and he said that Halloween masks are acceptable too. :_(
Arguing with my wife is like reading a software license agreement
In the end, I ignore it all and click "I agree".
Trump received a conference call from his Top General in Iraq.
General: "This morning, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed." Trump's face went Egg shell White. The blood left his face and to every ones amazement he collapsed on the floor. Minutes passed and to every ones relief President Trump sat back on his chair His staff was nothing less than stunned at this display of emotion from their commander in chief, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands, waiting for him to faint again. Finally, the President looks up and with a shaky quivering voice asks the General "How many is a brazillion?"
Why haven’t Aliens visited our solar system?
They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.
I am staying at a hotel and watched a great movie last night with lots of cowboys, gunfights, and drinking.
It was the Best Western I’ve ever seen.
What exactly is an acorn?
Well, in a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.
I’m a social vegan.
I avoid meet.
What do you call a careful wolf ?
Aware wolf.