Whammy
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camo jacket
You can hide, but you can’t run.
A man goes to a dear friend’s funeral. He asks the widow if he could say a word for the deceased.
She says "Go ahead". He says "Plethora". She thinks for a second, looks down and replies "Thank you. That means a lot".
What’s the cheapest meat you can buy?
Deer balls, they’re under a buck… (Told to me by my 12yo son)
Why did the banana company fire the truck driver?
He drove them nuts.
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
he was very self absorbed.
Dong. Ding Dong.
James Bond's doorbell
[Announcement] If you keep spamming your youtube channels here then your post will be marked as spam.
Which means that you will not only be banned from posting to this sub but you may get a shadow ban from reddit. Shadow ban means that you will not be able to post anything to ANY subreddit. Just follow the rules before posting.
What’s E.T. Short for?
So he can fit in his spaceship
A Christian, a Muslim, and an Atheist all die
A Christian, a Muslim, and an Atheist all day the same day. They all approach the pearly gates where St. Peter awaits them. St. Peter calls the first man up and asks what religion he is. “I’m a Christian” says the first man. “Very well, continue on and you will be in room 16, just be really quiet near room 8” said St. Peter The next man walks up and St. Peter asks what religion he was. “I am a Muslim” says the man “Very well, you will be in room 29, just be very quiet around room 8” replies St. Peter The third and final man walks forth and St. Peter again asks what religion he was. “I am an Atheist” answers the man “Very well, you will be in Room 56, just be very quiet around room 8” says St. Peter The man asks, “If I may, why must I be quiet around room 8?” St. Peter replies, “Room 8 is where the Catholics are, and they think they’re the only ones here”
Today, I accidentally played dad instead of dead when a bear was running at me
He can now ride a bike without training wheels
Three men, Joe, Bro, and Buddy, all lived in a small town.
One day, Joe went hunting alone, and for the next few days no one heard from him. About a week afterwards, a body was found and brought into the coroner’s office. The coroner, after thoroughly examining the body, needed a positive identification in order to verify that the body was indeed Joe. So, he brought in Bro and Buddy, and told them to come in separately to identify the body. Bro came in first, and was asked to look for any details about the body that he recognized. After a few minutes of examining, Bro said, “Mr. Coroner, I’ll need you to turn the body over for me to be sure.” Confused, the coroner obliged. Bro continued to examine the body, bent down on one knee, reared his head sideways, then stood up and said, “No sir, this can’t be Joe.” The coroner was even more confused, but he accepted this statement and sent Bro out. Next, he invited Buddy in to repeat the task. Buddy, after examining the body in a similar fashion to Bro, also requested that the body be turned over. The coroner, after mumbling a bit about his confusion, flipped the body over. Buddy too bent down on one knee and examined the back area of the body, then, just as Bro had previously, said, “No sir, Mr. Coroner, this isn’t Joe.” The coroner was astonished, so he asked that Bro come back in so that the two of them were standing there at once. The coroner said, “Gentlemen, this man’s dental records and features match perfectly with those of your friend Joe’s. How on earth are you both positive this isn’t him?” Bro and Buddy looked at each other, then Bro answered, “Sir, this can’t be Joe because Joe has two assholes.” In shock, the coroner asked, “How can he have two assholes? Have you ever seen them?” Buddy replied, “No sir, but it was common knowledge. Every time we were out with him, people would say, ‘Look, it’s Joe with those two assholes!’” Credit goes to my grandmother, who was the first to tell me this joke.
Any one can take my old batteries from me without paying
They’re free of charge
The waitress came over and saw my leftovers and asked, “do ya wanna box for that?”
I responded with, "no, but we can arm wrestle any day."
When I was a child I wondered where the sun went at night
Then it dawned on me
I had 4 cans of alphabet soup this morning…
Now I'm having a huge vowel movement.
On the last episode of Forged in Fire, a contestant made a blade the cut 4 loaves of bread in just one slice. . .
Now that's what you call a 4 loaf cleaver.
Not mine but I can’t find the original creator, if you find them pls contact me
https://ift.tt/2whrgE2
Monday: Greg. Tuesday: Ian: Wednesday: Greg. Thursday: Ian. Friday: Greg
A GregOrIan calendar
Therapist: It seems like you have an acute phobia of marriage. Do you understand the symptoms?
Man: Can’t say that I do. Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
I just found out my girlfriend just gave me an STD….
Looks like I’m gonorrhea-valuate the relationship
What do you call a psychic dwarf who has escaped from prison?
a small medium at large
My friend told me not to drink from the wall.
I knew he meant well.
My mother died a few years ago. I recently came across her death certificate and had a brilliant idea!
"I know how we can bring mom back!" I exclaimed. "Get me a Sharpie!" My sister, looked at me confused, "Why?" I pointed to the border of the certificate, "It says 'void if altered'!" (This actually happened and my sister didn't find it very funny. But we each deal with grief our own ways…)
The only thing that Flat-Earthers fear.
Is sphere itself.
A man goes into his garden and notes a broken fence.
He thus searches online for someone to fix his fence for him, but he is not satisfied with their prices – that is, until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free. He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing; but since it’s free, he feels like he has nothing to lose, so he hires him. Sure enough, a few days later, the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand. The man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it. About an hour later, the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished; and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can’t just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free, he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee. The man then starts talking to the monk. “It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair,” noted the man. “Why do you do it?” The monk replied, “Religious reasons.” The man then says, “I don’t know much about Buddhism. Why do you need to repair fences?” “Because,” the monk replied, “you would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting.”
I have a playlist of songs from Eminem, The Cranberries, and the Peanuts.
I named it The Trail Mix.
Why do seagulls travel over the sea?
Because if they traveled over the bay, they’d be bagels
Why did no one in the King’s court laugh when the king farted?
Because noble gases don't cause a reaction.
Why should the number 288 never be mentioned in company?
Because it is two gross.
Reddit should rename ‘share’ to ‘spreddit’, ‘delete’ to ‘shreddit’ and ‘karma’ to ‘creddit’.
Yet they haven't. I don't geddit.
There are are only 10 types of people:
Those who understand binary, and those who don`t
Did you hear about the hungry clock?
It went back for seconds
What do you say to a jedi who you do a favour for?
You Owe Me One, Kenobi