what?
My bank recently called me to let me know I had an outstanding balance
I replied "Thank you, I used to do gymnastics" and hung up the phone. That was nice of them to say.
Doctor: “Alright, it looks like we’re ready to deliver the baby.”
Me: “Actually, we’d like him to keep his liver.”
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair." "What I want you to do…" the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong." So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
Why did Karen press Ctrl-Shift-Esc on her keyboard?
Because she wanted to speak to the Task Manager!
So I killed 5 zombies and a vampire…
… I'm just trying to figure out why they were all carrying bags of candy 🤔
There are 3 unwritten rules in life
1. 2. 3.
A new leaked photo from Nasa reveals an actual photo of Australia taken from the ISS.
https://ift.tt/3361wXD
Two old jews are sitting in a park and reading newspaper
One of them notices that the other's paper is from a really antisemite organization and basically a pure antisemitic propaganda "What the hell are you reading? Why don't you read our jewish papers?" "You see Chaim" the other man says calmly "When I read our newspapers all I see are pogroms, antisemitic hate crimes and it's just depressing and scary, here on the other hand" he says while showing his friend the frontpage " I'm apparently a masterminded banker, have millions in secret accounts and even rule the whole world!"
Think I might sell all my John Lennon memorabilia on ebay.
Imagine all the Paypal…
A cop pulled me over and told me “Papers”
So I said "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.
Why do atheists struggle with exponents?
They don’t believe in a higher power.
I just bought my son a flat piece of cardboard for Christmas.
I have no idea why he wants an ex box
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first mathematician orders a beer The second orders half a beer "I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies "Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 "What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous." "Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along" "There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to." "But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-" "I know how limits work" interjects the bartender "Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics" "Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?" "HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade. The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA" The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!" The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish. A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?" "It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."
Did you know if you break a mirror you get more mirrors?
Let us reflect on this
You know being self quarantined isn’t even that boring
But I am surprised that there are 7884 grains of rice in one pack, and 7892 in another.
He had a sense of humour! Said his brother is Robin Yashed!
He had a sense of humour! Said his brother is Robin Yashed!
Damn girl are you a newspaper?
Because there's a new issue with you every fucking day.
The furniture store keeps calling…
All I wanted was one nightstand.
Why did Princess Leia contract coronavirus?
Because she went to woo Han.
I’ve fallen in love with a pencil and we’re getting married
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.
The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that tiny hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to slip the dying worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "That's from Grandma."
For my house party my dad said I could only have under 20 people.
But all my friends are at least 30.
What does a pregnant teenage girl and her baby have in common?
They're both thinking "Oh shit, my mom is gonna kill me."
Chuck Norris has been confirmed to be exposed to COVID-19
Virus has been quarantined for 14 days
I am terrified of elevators.
I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7 8…
In honor of Trump’s birthday, here’s a portrait of America’s last great president.
https://ift.tt/2XZEgJO
A man walked into a bar on the 100th floor of a building, chugged a pint, then jumped out of an open window.
Ten minutes later, with no injuries, he ran back into the bar, chugged a pint, then jumped out of the same window. When he returned ten minutes later, a man asked him how he survived. “You see, alcohol makes you warmer and heat rises. So if you chug a pint really quickly then concentrate really hard as you fall, you temporarily float just before you hit the ground.” The man was so amazed that he too chugged a pint even faster than the other man, then jumped out of the window. He fell and fell and fell… and then landed on the ground with a splat. He died instantly. The bartender then turned to the man in the bar and said, “You’re such a dick when you’re drunk, Superman.”