What?
I’ve just started up a dating site for chickens.
Its not my normal day job, I'm just doing it to make Hens meet.
God summons Adam and Eve as he would like to offer them each a feature distinguishing men from women
God: "So guys, you have to choose now between being able to stand up and pee and m…" Adam: "Me me memememe! I want to be able to stand up and pee! Thats gotta be the best feature out there.. I choose this one for men! I win, you lose Eve!!" God: "Erm.. alright then.. Eve, I guess you are stuck with the multiple orgasms then."
What’s the definition of a reverse exorcism?
It's when you ask the Devil to get the priest out of your little boy
A man walks into a bar and says, “Give me a beer before the problems start!”
He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Now the problems start!"
I broke one of my fingers at work today.
On the other hand, everything is OK.
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
Why is the letter B so cool?
Because it’s sitting in the middle of the AC
Little Boy: Daddy I want to be like president Trump when i grow up!
Dad: "Well pick one son, you can't do both"
I’m trying to learn the alphabet but I can’t get past X
I don’t know why
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-morse code
My gf left a note on the fridge: this is not working, im going to my mom’s house.
I opened the fridge's door, the light came on, the juice was cold. What the hell did she mean?
People are like trees…
They fall when you hit them multiple times with an axe.
I have sex daily
I mean I have daily sex I mean I have dyslexia
“Hey Dad, why does Jesus wear a crown of thorns in every picture?”
“No idea. That’s a real head-scratcher.”
Do you know the antonyms of the following words?
Always Coming From Take Me Down
WIFE: [trying on new spectacles] How do I look?
ME: Through the glass bit
The only thing flat-earthers have to fear
is sphere itself
A farmer has 3 bulls and 200 cows
One of the bulls is large and has 100 cows to himself. The second bull is medium sized and has 70 cows. The third bull is small and has 30 cows. One day the farmer gets another bull. The large bull says, “I don’t care how big he is, he’s not getting a single one of my cows.” The medium bull says, “Same here, those are my cows.” The small bull agrees saying, “I’ll fight if I have to, but he’s not taking my cows.” The new bull is brought to the farm. The trailer is shaking, and the door bursts open. One of the farmhands is launched backwards, and massive bull comes out of the trailer. The large bull says, “Forget it, he can have my cows.” The medium bull, quivering by now, says, “No way can I stop him. I guess he can have my cows, too.” They look to the small bull to see him raring up for a fight. “What the hell are you doing?! You can’t hope to take him,” they scream to the small bull. The small bull calmly replies, “I’m trying to make sure he knows I’m not a cow.”
If you’re ever feeling lonely, just remember…
Every day is a date.
Win10
Just got done with a company wide upgrade to Windows 10 and let me tell ya. Windows isn’t even compatible with Windows.
Gandhi
Did you know that Gandhi used to have hot young women sleep naked in his bed with him? The idea was that he could conquer his baser desires and prove his self-control by abstaining from sex with them. I tried a similar thing by leaving half a box of Double Stuff Oreos on my counter, and I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m pretty sure Gandhi banged every single one of those chicks.
One big difference between men and women is…
that if a woman says "smell this" it usually smells nice
If big feet means big dick and big car means small dick…
Then no wonder people are so scared of clowns.
How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?
It’s fully groan.
Which part of the body is the last to die?
Pupils, coz they dilate.
“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”..
..is a shitty way to tell a kid they're adopted
I was drinking at a bar so i took the bus home
Seemed like a good idea at the time but i've never driven a bus before…
A few minutes ago, I came to the conclusion that tofu is overrated.
It’s just a curd to me.
My doctors name is Peter Parker.
But I just call him Web MD.
I Don’t Understand Why People Have Been Hating On The Police.
Roxanne is a really good song.
I didn’t vaccinate my five kids
and both of them turned out fine.
I thought about inventing a pencil with an eraser at both ends.
But I didn't see the point.
A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a buddhist monk on the other side. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?”
The buddhist monk shouts back: “You are on the other side.”
Why should you never play poker against the Queen of England when she is sitting on a toilet?
Because you can't beat a royal flush.
If you ever think times are tough, just imagine being a pig.
Two out of three little ones have no household.
A Russian cop wants to get a breathalyzer.
A Russian cop wants to get a breathalyzer like the Western cops have to deal with drunk drivers. He asks his superior for one and his superior says "Sorry comrade. We have no money." The cop decides to go to a local black market where he buys a condom. He stops the first driver and says, "Official government breathalyzer test. Blow." The driver blows into a condom and the cop notices it smells like vodka. He says, "You drunk. Go to Police Station." He stops the second driver and says, "Official government breathalyzer test. Blow." The driver blows into a condom and the cop notices it smells like vodka. He says, "You drunk. Go to Police Station." He stops the third driver and says, "Official government breathalyzer test. Blow." The driver says, "You crazy? That is a condom!" The cop says, "You not drunk. You free to go."
People always say that the Romans didn’t handle the whole Jesus situation very well
I think they nailed it.