What
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk?
The stock market.
I feel like I have no control over my body
Everything I eat goes to shit
I watched a dwarf escape from prison today. As he climbed down the fence, he smirked at me.
I thought to myself, "Hmmm, that's a little condescending."
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye matey! Courtesy of a 7 year old in my class.
A recent study has found that beer contains female hormones.
A test group of 100 male volunteers each consumed six pints of beer, and the effect was that they all talked endlessly about nothing and couldn't drive for shit.
A cute girl at work said she’d only go on a date with me on a day that doesn’t end in ‘Y’.
I said, “Great! I’ll pick you up tomorrow!”
I tried to buy tornado insurance for my camp site, but the company refused.
They said, “If your tents get blown over, you won’t be covered.”
After being single for years, I finally found the perfect match online.
It produces a greenish flame and it looks really cool while I'm lighting up my cigarette.
Knock knock. Who’s there. Cash.
Cash who? No thanks, but I'll take a peanut! For allergic kids: No thanks, I'm allergic!
If you touch an electric fence on purpose…
…does it still count as a shock?
What’s Yoda’s last name?
Layheehoo
What do interstates eat their peanut butter with?
Traffic jam!
I went to the doctor…
I went to see the doctor the other day. Turns out my new doctor is a drop dead gorgeous brunette. I was embarrassed but she said “don’t worry, I’m a professional – I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll check it out.” I said “my wife thinks my dick tastes funny.”
How do depressed frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.
My wife told me the kid almost burned the house down
Now i’m really scared of arson
A man walks into a saloon
…he takes off his hat and throws it in an arc. Six men lose their hats. Everyone is impressed, they yell out: "Wow! What's your name?" "They call me Hat-Bill." Another man walks in, grabs his gun and fires off six rounds. Six men lose their hats. The crowd yells out: "Wow! What's your name?" "They call me Gun-Bill." A third man walks in. He has six arms. In a flash, he grabs the hats off the heads of six men. Everyone is speechless. Finally, one guy yells: "Wow! What's your name?" "They call me… …Chernobyl."
Why do hipsters burn their mouths on coffee?
Because they drink it before it’s cool.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson
I was accused of being a plagiarist.
Their words, not mine.
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city.
He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out. The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him. The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!” The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.”
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He never lands.
Why couldn’t the egg quit smoking?
Because he'd Benedicted to it. I thought of this joke over 20 years ago as a kid lol
There was a psychic midget who broke out of jail
The news headline was there is a small medium at large
I’m never again donating money to anyone collecting for a marathon.
They just take the money and run.
Why do you sneak around in leather armor?
Because it is made of hide.
The joys of a “custom” CMS…
If I never have to deal with another “custom CMS” ever again, it’ll be too soon… The latest one that’s been inflicted upon me, inspired me to make this meme:https://ift.tt/3fAGfuV
How many Game of Thrones seasons does it take to change a lightbulb?
Eight, if you want to screw it completely.
If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN…
They become VERY ANGRY
Dictionary
The only way to read a dictionary from front to back is to read it in reverse.