What?
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the mars?
The food is great but thereโs not much atmosphere.
I was going to post a time travel joke..
But you guys didn't like it.
I like telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs
A Jewish man decides his son isn’t religious enough, so pays for him to go visit Israel.
When the son comes back, however, he says he's a Christian now. The father goes to his friend exasperated to explain the situation, and his friend says "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year, and when he came back he also said he was Christian." The two men decide they should speak to their rabbi about this, but when they explain the situation, the rabbi says "that's funny, two years ago I sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian." The three men decide only God can have the answer, so they pray. The rabbi says aloud "dear God, all three of us sent our sons to Israel, and all of them came back Christian." God's voice booms down "that's funnyโฆ"
A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?' She replied, 'I'm late for work.' 'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?' 'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded. The cop stammered, 'A what?………… 'A Rectum Stretcher!' 'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?' 'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet' 'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?' he asked. 'You give him a radar gun & park him behind a bridge…
Why haven’t Aliens visited our solar system?
They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.
what I if told you…
that you misread the first line of this joke
New Teslas don’t come with a new car smell
They come with an Elon Musk.
I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to do 34.5
She asked "what's that?" I said "it's like 69 but you do all the work"
My wife said I don’t tell her she’s pretty enough.
So I told her she's pretty enough.
Why do police in Hong Kong go to work early?
They like to beat the crowd
I Can swear, I’ve seen someone who did the last one, and complained it didn’t work!๐
https://ift.tt/2NaXfvM
I’m doing a one man show about puns at my local theater…..
……it's a play on words.
A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.
The cop asks the woman, โWhere did an old lady like you get all of that money?โ She replies, โWell, thereโs a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers.โ The cop asks, โSo what did you do about it?โ The old lady says, โI get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!โ โThat seems fair enough,โ the cop says, โso whatโs in the other sack?โ The old lady replies with, โNot everyone paysโฆโ
A blonde rings up an airline and asks: “How long are your flights from America to England?”
The woman on the other end of the phone replies: "Just a minute". The blonde thanks her and hangs up the phone.
Donald Trump wanted to repaint the White House…
Donald Trump wanted to repaint the White House, and received three quotes: Mexican contractor: 3 million Italian Contractor: 7 million Israeli Contractor: 10 million After a while Trump asked the Mexican – Why did you ask for 3 million. The Mexican said:-One million in paint, one million in labor and one million profit. He asked the Italian why he was asking 7 million. Italian replied:-3 million in high quality painting, 2 million in specialized workforce and 2 million gain. He asked the Israeli why he was asking 10 million. The Israeli responded: Don Trump my friend – 4 million for you, 3 million for me, And with the 3 million leftovers we pay the Mexican to paint!!!
What do you get if you cross James Bond with a blind dinosaur?
Spynosawus. … I'll just see myself out
America seems to have successfully prevented a second wave of corona
By keeping the first one going
A Russian cop wants to get a breathalyzer.
A Russian cop wants to get a breathalyzer like the Western cops have to deal with drunk drivers. He asks his superior for one and his superior says "Sorry comrade. We have no money." The cop decides to go to a local black market where he buys a condom. He stops the first driver and says, "Official government breathalyzer test. Blow." The driver blows into a condom and the cop notices it smells like vodka. He says, "You drunk. Go to Police Station." He stops the second driver and says, "Official government breathalyzer test. Blow." The driver blows into a condom and the cop notices it smells like vodka. He says, "You drunk. Go to Police Station." He stops the third driver and says, "Official government breathalyzer test. Blow." The driver says, "You crazy? That is a condom!" The cop says, "You not drunk. You free to go."
I went to get tornado insurance for my camp site, but the bank refused.
They said, โIf your tent gets blown away, you wonโt be covered.โ
A four-foot-tall fourtuneteller escaped from prison.
He was a small medium at large.
I am scared of E minor.
It gives me the E B G Bs
I was walking through the park, when these two kids started verbally abusing me. So I told them off.
Then the mother got involved with a real volley of the worst swear words I have ever heard. So I asked her, are the children twins? She said how the fuck can they be twins? One is 12 the other is 8 you stupid fucking Prick. I replied, I couldn't imagine anyone fucking you twice..
Dad: Hey, remember tomorrow is Fatherโs Day!
Me: Yeah, but itโs son day as well.
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex…
He's a small arms dealer
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with โonce upon a timeโ?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with โIf elected, I promise…โ
Donald Trump, Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton are in a boat, and the boat sinks. Who is saved?
The United States of America.
My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The โTโ shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, โYouโve got to make love to me this very moment!โ My eyes lit up and I thought, โI am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!โ Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, โThanks,โ and returned to the stove, Her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, โWhat was that all about?โ She explained, โThe egg timerโs broken.โ