What a clever Grandma!
How many cops does it take to push a black guy down the stairs?
None, he “fell”
It’s sad that nothing is made in America anymore…
I just bought a new t.v. and it said “Built in antenna” I don’t even know where that is!
Aspen colonies are the world’s largest organisms, consisting of up to 40,000 trees in one root network
Aspen colonies are the world’s largest organisms, consisting of up to 40,000 trees in one root network
What do you call a black man who got hit by a car?
An ambulance you racist!!
a dick’s life
A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess. His family is nuts. His next door neighbor is an asshole. His best friend is a pussy. His owner beats him habitually.
If Russia were to revert back to the Soviet Union than…
I guess it would be a Soviet reunion
What happens when a frog parks illegally?
They get toad.
Just so everybody’s clear…
I’m going to put my glasses on…
I had an amazing chat with a dolphin earlier who I had just met.
We just clicked. I am sorry. So, so sorry…
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in your Jeans.
My wife believes she’s a satellite radio.
At first I thought she was kidding, but apparently she's sirius.
Tough to be Irish
"What's your name?", asked the teacher. "Mohammad," he replied. "You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike. " Mohammad returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked. "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”. "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again. The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises. "What happened to you, Mike?", she asked. "Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs."
Why are Apple stores hypocritical?
Because to construct them, you need to install windows
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?[NSFW]
Smallpox HAPPY TURKEY DAY!
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.
He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?" The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off.
I met a woman who said she was a huge Monkees fan
She told me she had collected every piece of merchandise ever made for the band. I was skeptical. Then I saw her place…
A naive and beautiful young girl is walking along the street in the countryside.
A naive, beautiful, conservatively dressed young girl is walking along the street in the countryside. A man, wearing sunglasses and driving a sport car stops by: "do you need a lift?" She's intimidated by the sport car and the confident demeanour of this man, but she accepts, and they start getting to know each other. "it's very nice that you pick me up in such a car. it's a long way home from here" "it's a pleasure babe". "what do you do?" she asks "I'm a DJ and speaker at the radio" he answers. She's delighted: "oh really? It's so cool. I always listen to the radio. Do you also have those show with song requests for birthdays?" "yes, I do those kind of shows, we receive song requests for birthdays. Have you ever tried?" Embarrassing silence follows. Somethings is in her head, and she gains courage to say it: "well you see… I always wanted to call and request a song, but I heard it's always hard to get a place, there's a lot of people requesting… and I sort of don't know how this kind of things work, maybe I have to speak live and then don't know what to say. But I always wanted to do it… today is also my little sister's birthday…" "well, babe, we could change this, don't you think? She'd be very happy, and you too" wink wink He starts to sort of take a long route, apparently driving where no one can see, his intentions are clear. "where are we going?" "you see, babe, you could do something for me, and maybe I could get you a fast lane to do what you want for your sister's birthday…" She starts getting it, but she is not sure, the situation is so intimidating, but also exciting, and she sort of want to do it – for her dear sister. He parks the car in the middle of nowhere, stops the engine, and starts unzipping his jeans. She is scared, doesn't know what to do, it's all so new. "what worries you, babe?" "Well you see I've never done this sort of things, I'm embarrassed, I'm just a girl from the countryside, I… I don't really know if…" He knows his way in reassuring a scared woman: "don't worry babe, you'll be fine, there's nothing you can do wrong, just be yourself. Think of your sister. you'll make her day" He proceeds to take his genitals out. She freaks out internally, but thinks to herself "whatever, I'll do it for her". She looks into his eyes, he looks into her eyes, reassuring and firm. She starts to get her mouth close to his penis. She opens her mouth: "Hello, I want to dedicate the next song to my sister for her birthday, it's a very special day and I love her with all my heart and …"
I may have gone overboard helping my 7th grade daughter with her science project video.
https://youtu.be/22ekP1YaHVg
I found an alien masturbating in my freezer last night. I asked him what on earth he was doing in there.
He said, “I cum in peas.”
My wife told me I had a small penis, so I said it was big enough to hurt her.
“There isn’t a woman in the world that would be hurt by that thing,” she said. I then showed her a video of me fucking her sister.
When is a hen just following the letter W
No text found
If a king farts…
Is it a noble gas?
“Forget everything you learned in College”
"Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here." "That works out because I never went to college." "Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here"
What does a house wear
Adress
Working at an unemployment office must be so tense.
Even if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.
How do you make Holy Water?
You boil the hell out of it.
My roommate claims i’m schizophrenic.
Jokes on him, I don’t have a roommate.
Vegetarians are like parallel lines…
They never meat.