What a conspiracy
An airplane is about to crash!
With only 5 parachutes on board. A Doctor says, “save the women”. A young mother says, “no save the children”. A lawyer says, “Fuck the children”. A priest asks, “do we have time”?
To the individual who stole my glasses…
I will find you. I have contacts.
I asked 20 women in my neighborhood about their preferred shampoo
A staggering 100% of them use "Get out of my shower".
Why is crucified Jesus always depicted with six pack abs?
He did CrossFit.
I failed my calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
I couldn’t differentiate between them.
Action Jackson can’t cry! That’s what’s goin’ down! ~Kirk Lazarus
Action Jackson can’t cry! That’s what’s goin’ down! ~Kirk Lazarus
The last 4 letters of “queue” aren’t silent
They’re waiting for their turn
At the bakery, I saw a cake that was sculpted like a house and I decided to have it.
As I was eating it, I said to myself, "It tastes just like home."
Did you know piranhas can devour a small child down to the bone in less than 30 seconds?
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
What’s everyone doing next month?
Cause I’m not sure – I don’t have 2020 vision. You’re welcome, Dad
I fucking hate recursion
I fucking hate recursion, its the dumbest fucking solution to the easiest problems in coding. Like what the fuck? Have you every heard of big O notation? Of course you fucking haven’t, you bumbling cretin. I would explain it if your brain didn’t recurse on itself. How am I supposed to understand fucking “Henry McGyvers” code over here where you can’t tell where it even produces any values at the fucking root of things. Why would a function call itself, you fucking idiot? Why would you ever think that? Why not use a while loop? Or a for loop? Or literally anything that’s better than a program sucking itself off until it cums with the answer that you might want, I guess. Jesus fucking christ.
I put root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
I had a near-sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
My priest is a lawyer.
He's my father in law
NO PLEASE NO NOT THAT ANYTHING BUT THAT!!!! I DONT WANT TO GO THERE!!!
NO PLEASE NO NOT THAT ANYTHING BUT THAT!!!! I DONT WANT TO GO THERE!!!
NSFW. I had to see this on FB so now you do too….(The proper way to use a condom after 60)
https://ift.tt/2S3Yuzt
You know what really makes my day…
The rotation of the earth
A teacher gave her class
of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.' 'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher. 'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!' 'Very good,' said the teacher. Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.' 'That was a fine story Sarah.' Johnny, do you have a story to share?' 'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Auntie Barbara. Auntie Barbara was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.' 'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?' 'Stay the fuck away from Auntie Barbara when she's had a Drink
If you’re looking for a slutty Halloween costume…
Dress as a professor. They barely cover anything important.
This one time, all the rooms in a hotel were booked. But then comes this one guy, who asks for a room, in the same hotel, and gets one easily.
Because his name was Improvement. And there's always room for improvement.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a punch
The bartender says “Sir, if you wanna punch, you gotta get in line.” The guy looks around but there is no punch line
Why is dark spelled with a K and not a C?
Because you can’t see in the dark…
I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life.
Zero fucks were given.
What jokes are allowed during quarantine?
inside jokes 😀
My son got me good. I build websites for a living. He told me he didn’t like the one I was working on, and I should have let a spider do it.
You know. “Cause spiders are naturally good web designers.”
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches
But then I realized it would be a waist of time
What did the tie say to the hat?
I’ll hang around here and you go on a-head
cats 😀 scat 😔
cats 😀 scat 😔
Why does ketchup always have good vision?
Because Heinz's sight is always 20-20.
People often ask why I’m so good at Dad jokes and it’s simple.
I take an ordinarily terrible pun and take it even father.
Why is mother always right?
Cause dad's left.