What a shame
She was a runaway bride
It was tense.
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!" The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.' 'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head. 'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?' The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his pen!s over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
Jesus holds up a cup of wine and says, "This is my blood." Then he holds up a loaf of bread and says, "This is my body." Then he holds up some mayonnaise and Peter says, "Let me stop you right there, Jesus."
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers…
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
Because I only have one response and it's "boogie oogie oogie".
"Help, I've fallen, and I cant giddy up!"
I have trouble with emotional attachments.
It was Khanage.
A good buoy.
Dann kannst du ihn dir nur noch von der Ursula Leyen.
Shit. I meant to post this somewhere else.
So my 8yo son wanted to learn programming. He fiddled around with LOGO when suddenly he started swearing like never before…
.. I went over to him trying to calm him down and figure out what was wrong. He shouted at the screen that “this damn turtle won’t draw what he told it to”. At this moment he went completely silent starring at his code. Then he performed his first genuine face palm stating that he forgot to put the “pendown”.Yes dear son, this is how programmers feel literally every day.
A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean" Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky." Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn't say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: "if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn't have invited you." the young man replies "if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn't have come."
Whats red and smells like blue paint? Red paint
A bit harsh I thought, it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to hospital.
Have another one say "Bingo!"
A pithon Happy pi day
It's impossible to put down.
He doesn’t want to be spotted
Because then it would be a foot
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
I was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm.
She asked how warm is it inside. I said Lukewarm.
It's not your typical food sauce
I'm a WATT?? Sorry stole it from a pornhub comment made me laugh