Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home.
Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?" Sex!" Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart! You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!" "I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while." "Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood. Then one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold to make sure that he was okay. She walked around the Senior Citizen Home. She found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood. Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son of a bitch! What does Ethel have that I don't have?" Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."
So my twin brother called me from prison
He said, "So you know how we finish each others' sentences?"
I closed Reddit, locked my phone, and stood up.
I said to myself, âIâm done with this shit.â
I applied so much spray deodorant in 2008 that a man suffocated.
Does that make me an Axe murderer?
I couldn’t join the KKK, apparently my bloodline isn’t pure enough
Turns out, my parents weren't even related.
A waiter approaches his manager
And tells him that a customer just complained about the oven baked flatbread. His manager told him not to worry about it. The waiter went back to work but came back to his manager a few minutes later saying another customer was complaining about the oven baked flatbread. The manager said that it wasnât important and that he should go back to work. The waiter again returned to work but a few minutes later returned saying that yet another customer was dissatisfied with the oven baked flat bread. The manager told him to forget it. The waiter asked why he wouldnât talk to him about it. The manager said âDonât worry, itâs a naan-issue!â
My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code.
Last night for example, I couldn't fall asleep, because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.
A man buys a lie detector robot
That slaps people who lie, and be decides to try it out on his son during dinner. âWhere were you during school hours?â He asks. âAt school!â His son replies. The robot slaps the boy. âOk I was at my friends house….â His son says. âWhat were you doing there? âReading comics!â The robot slaps the son again. âOk ok!! We were watching an erotic movie…â âWhat?? I didnât even know erotic movies existed when I was your age!â The dad exclaims. The robot quickly slaps him. His wife laughs and says, âWow, he really IS your son-â The robot slaps the wife.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, because men can be feminists too.
I was really bored, so I decided to memorize six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
I counted 1500 lockdown protesters in our city.
Hold on, it's 900. Edit: No, wait, it's 500.
A wise Chinese man once said
ä¸čŚçżťčŻ
Bro, can you pass me that leaflet?
Brochure.
What do biographers and serial killers have in common?
Multiple life sentences.
My statistics professor told us that the larger the sample size, the more reliable are your averages.
The Nâs justify the means.
If you hit Dwayne Johnson’s ass
Does it mean you hit rock bottom
If I were American, I’d vote Bernie…
But I'm Russian, so I'm voting Trump
Click here to see a silly beverage medley.
Do-re-mi-fa-soda-ti-do!
I ordered some glue online using Amazon, but it hasnât arrived yet.
Itâs probably stuck in the mail.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.
Did you hear about the time I dreamt I was a muffler?
I woke up exhausted.
Someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick!
..I had no idea anyone could stoop so low!
That’s how the fight got started…
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' … She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started… ________________________________ I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started….. _____________________________ My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started… ________________________________ When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again. I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. _____________________________ My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started… ________________________________ Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started… _______________________________ My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started…… ______________________________ After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.' And then the fight started… ________________________________ My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And then the fight started…….. ________________________________ I rear-ended a car this morning…the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' That's how the fight started. ________________________________ One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift… The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started.
What do you call a dolphin that never ends?
Dol, cause thereâs no âfin.â
My wife said I had a terrible sense of direction…
So I packed my bags and right
What does Donald Trump’s hair and a thong have in common?
They both barely cover the asshole. EDIT: I leave this up for a few hours and 500 upvotes already?! Thanks everyone! EDIT 2: WOW! MY FIRST MEDAL EVER! THANK YOU KIND REDDIT STRANGER!
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable â an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched â with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?" "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish."
What’s up with the dark jokes subreddit?
I don't see anything funny there.
I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.
Im trying to explain my sexuality to my dad.
Me : "Okay, so I would identify as a bisexual." Dad : "And that means you would have a male partner." Me : "Yeah." Dad : "Or a female partner." Me : "Yeah." Dad : "So… That means if you don't find a partner, you're on standbi?" ME : ME : ME : ME : "Son of a b…"
What did the coat say to the hanger
We should hang out sometime.
A man walks into a bar
As he sits down, he looks up and notices three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender âwhatâs with the meat?â The bartender says, âIf you can jump up and slap all three pieces at once, you get free drinks for an hour. If you miss even one, you have to pay for everyone elseâs drinks for the rest of the night. Wanna give it a go?â The man takes another look at the meat, then says, âI think Iâll pass. The steaks are too high.â
Welcome to invisibility class
Disappointing to see so many of you here
I’ve just been informed that my six year old son is not mine
and that I have to pay more attention when I pick him up from school.
A man rushes into the doctors’ office and screams, “Doctor, Doctor! I swallowed one of those ‘do not eat’ packets in a bag of pepperoni! Am I going to die?” The doctor tries to relax him by saying, “Well, everyone is going to die eventually.”
The man shrieks and responds, "Everyone?! Oh lord, what have I done?"
My last relationship, which was with a cross eyed girl ended.
Because she kept seeing someone else on the side