Why can’t humans hear a dog whistle?
Because dogs can't whistle!
i don’t know why everyone thought 73-year-old Bernie Sanders was too old to run for president four years ago…
…after all, he was in his prime.
What’s one vegetable you should NEVER bring on a boat?
LEEKS. (my 10yo told me this – he said he thought it up himself.)
My girlfriend said that it wasn’t working out between us and that we should start seeing other people.
So I took her wheelchair. Just as I thought… She couldn’t stand to leave me.
Why does Norway have barcodes on their battleships?
So when they get back to port, they can Scandinavian.
Today I was asked to go out, by 20 girls.
Sadly, I was in the women’s bathroom.
Why is it wrong to punch the wall when you’re frustrated?
The wall has never been anything but supportive.
The John Lennon Airport has been quarantined
Imagine all the people
My wife forgot the code to her luggage, but I managed to figure it out.
You can say…. I solved the case.
SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym…
For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
We should’ve known communism would fail.
There were so many red flags.
When people complain about php’s security, i need this picture to explain the scenario
https://ift.tt/2p6ZLtd
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my trail mix.
I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Ask Reddit be like “If you could have sex with any celebrity, dead or alive, who would it be?”
I'd choose alive. Weirdo.
Yesterday I saw a half-dog, half-cat…
What’s up with dat!?
A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!” The cop growls, “You are the lawyer!”
The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present?!"
Why does ketchup always have good vision?
Because Heinz's sight is always 20-20.
Finding the loot
Jose had robbed a bank in Texas and fled south across the Rio Grande with the Texas Rangers in hot pursuit. They caught up with him in a town in Old Mexico, only to discover that Jose spoke no English and none of the pursuers spoke any Spanish. They drafted one of the locals – the school teacher – to act as a translator. “Tell Jose that he must tell us where he has hidden the loot from the bank robbery.” “The gringos say to ask where you have hidden the loot.” “Tell the gringos I will never tell them.” “Jose says he will never tell you.” The Rangers pull out their six-guns, cock them, and point them at Jose. “Tell Jose if he does not tell us where he has hidden the loot, we will kill him.” “The gringos say if you do not tell them where you have hidden the loot they will kill you.” Jose begins to tremble with fear. “I buried it by the old oak tree on the other side of the bridge.” “Jose says he is not afraid to die.”
I just watched a documentary on beavers.
Best dam movie I've ever seen.
Did you know the white-tail deer can jump higher than the average house?
This is due to its powerful hind legs and the fact the average house can't jump.
My dad once tried making coffee. When he tasted it he said “ahh, like making love in a canoe.”
I asked if it was that good, his smile faded and he looked me dead in the eye as he said no, its fucking close to water. He poured it down the drain without losing focus and walked out of the kitchen
Xbox was struggling…
but they really turned it around with the 360.
I threw a firecracker towards a dart board.
It was bang on target.
Orion’s belt is a big waist of space.
Ok, it's not that funny, only a 3 star joke
A couple both age 67, went to a sex therapist’s office.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse", and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would take an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90.The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from my medicare."
What did Jesus say after he resurrected on the third day?
“You crossed the wrong guy” I think all the redditors will agree, with this joke, I nailed it Edit: I am a Christian myself and I dont mean to offend anyone, I just thought it was hilarious.
They really should have predicted the fall of Communism sooner.
After all, there were plenty of red flags.
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver
Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it…
My wife accused me of hating all of her relatives.
I told her "That is not true, in fact I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."