What about bird law?
I hate Russian dolls.
They're so full of themselves.
What do you say when you see a bad post on this subreddit?
What the Fork is this Bullshirt?
“Why are frogs so happy?”
"They just eat what bugs them."
You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile
by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
What did the grape say when it got crushed?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
I hit a rat with my car today
It left a ro-dent
I’ve spent the last four years looking for my wife’s killer
but no one will do it
Dear posters of r/Jokes, could you try to be a bit more original?
My friends are really tired of hearing the same jokes over and over again.
I just spotted an albino dalmatian…
It was the least I could do!
What do you call a cow that gives no milk
An udder failure
What do you call the bad side of Italy?
The spaghetto
I asked, “Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
He replied, “No sun.”
An old holocaust survivor dies and goes up to heaven….
He asks God, "How do you get a girl's number in Auschwitz? Roll up her sleeve." God doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "Eh. I guess you had to be there to understand".
What do you call a 3.14m long snake?
A πthon.
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
She got fired from the hot dog stand…
… for putting her hair in a bun.
Why wasn’t infinity war a vegan movie?
Because everything was at steak
I was at the deli counter behind another dad and his son the other day.
I was at the deli counter behind another dad and his son the other day. He has his hands full – the kid was screaming for candy, cookies… all sorts of things. The dad kept saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, this won’t take long. Just chill out.” He had another outburst in the cereal aisle and his dad just said "Settle down, William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, buddy.” At the checkout, I see him in the next lane over and the kid is throwing items out of the cart. His Dad says again, super-calmly, “William… William, relax! Don’t get upset. We’ll be home in ten minutes. Just stay cool, William.” It was impressive. So, as we're both walking out of the store I turned to him and said “I'm sure it’s none of my business, but you were amazing back there. I don’t know how you kept your composure. I might have snapped if my son was in that kind of mood. William is very lucky to have you as his dad!” And he said “Thanks! But actually, I'm William. This little shit's name is Collin.”
What did Netflix do when they found uncensored shots of Sandra Bullock’s vagina in Bird Box?
Bandersnatch. I'm sorry.
A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller
“I want to open a fucking checking account.” The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.” The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation. The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the man, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?” “There is no fucking problem” the man says. “I just won $500 million in the damn lottery and I want to put my fucking money in this damn bank.” “Oh, I see.” says the manager. “And is this bitch giving you a hard time, Sir?”
What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea
What do dentists call their x-rays?
Tooth pics.
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.
A married man left work early on Friday and went out for a few drinks with the boys. Instead of going home, however, he ended up partying with them all weekend and spent his entire pay check.
When he finally returned home on Sunday, his wife was furious and berated him excessively. After a couple of hours of nagging and scolding, she asked him "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?" "That would suit me just fine!!" the man said. Well…Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday went by with the same result. Wednesday came and went and the man still hadn't seen his wife. Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye.
A woman was sobbing on the side of the street because she had accidentally locked her keys in her car,
a passing soldier saw this and assured her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens……. "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?" "Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my khakis."
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
I got an invite to a wedding that said “black tie only” But
when I got there, everyone else was in tuxedos.
There is a sell on Liam Neeson movie.
But, it was already Taken.
If abortion is such a mature subject,
why does it bring out people's inner child?
I took my new gun to the range to try it out, but somehow it won’t work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.
I think the cashier likes me.
She was definitely checking me out.
My girlfriend dumped me so I stole her wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
I think my family is racist
I've been nervous for weeks, but I finally decided to introduce them to my Spanish girlfriend My kids refused to talk to her and my wife started crying and told me to pack my things
