“What about plasma?”
When mom walks in…
When mom walks in…
Last night i used Vaseline with my wife and came 10 times
Once with her and 9 in the shower trying to wash it off
A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight.
“This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in‘unt?” Only one word leaps to his mind. “My goodness,” thinks the gentleman, “I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word.” The gentleman thinks for quite a while, and then it hits him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman says, “I think the word you're looking for is aunt." “Of course,” says the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”
Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas
Me: sipping toast why?
Did you hear about the day the cows ran away?
It was udder madness
Orion’s belt is a huge waist of space.
Terrible joke. 3 stars.
What’s the difference between Spanish and Dad Jokes?
In Spanish, you roll your R’s and in Dad Jokes you roll your Eyes
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous.
I see a lot of new faces here tonight, which is disappointing.
I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.
Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.
A man entered his home and discovered that someone had stolen every single lamp present in the house.
He was absolutely delighted.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Stephen Hawking, and Bill Nye walk into a bar.
Neil and Bill look at Stephen Hawking and yell, "My God, Stephen, you're cured!"
I introduced my friend to my daughter Beth
He asked me, what’s Beth short for? I thought it was really rude, she’s only three
I recently took a poll
I found that 100% of people were upset when the tent collapsed.
As I lay in bed, looking up at the many thousands of stars in the night sky, I think to myself…
WHAT IN THE HECK HAPPENED TO MY ROOF?
One night, a viking named Rudolf the Red was looking out the window when he said, “it’s going to rain”
His wife asked, "how do you know?“ "Because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear"
A Cockroach and a Cricket were talking
Cockroach: Jiminy, you look so tired. What's wrong? Cricket: Well, Damian, my Firefly neighbor has kept me up every night for the past week with her loud music, and I have talked to the landlord multiple times, and he still won't do anything about it. Cockroach: Gosh, Jiminy, that must really bug you.
Just so everybody’s clear…..
I'm going to put my glasses on
As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I’ve learnt…
1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it. 2.) They LOVE chocolate.
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there's not mushroom!
I was just voted “Least Likely to Succeed” by my graduating class.
I hate being a teacher.
How do you murder mass?
You killagram
I was drinking at a bar so i took the bus home
Seemed like a good idea at the time but i've never driven a bus before…
Birthday sex
Adam was talking to his friend at a bar. He said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck." His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying that she can have 60 minutes of great sex, anyway she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." So Adam decided to listen to his friend's advice. The next day at the bar, his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," Adam replied. "Did she like it?" "Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran out the door, yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!"
My son came up with this one…
I was walking to the bedroom with a 20-ounce drink. My son was hiding behind the wall and said "boo". He asked "were you scared?" I told him "no, but what if I were and spilled this drink all over myself?" He said "then that would be on you". I told him "nice pun". He still doesn't get it.
I just failed a fire safety course when they asked what steps I would take in case of an explosion.
Apparently “Fucking large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin’ catholic
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: “5 lamb chops, please.”
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my ass……… It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!
My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.
Still to this day holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
What do baristas in space get paid with?
Starbucks
Where does 100 equal 60?
A microwave.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
What has 4 letters , sometimes has 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.
Just a hint: I didn't ask a question
I just watched a movie about graphs, and it was really disappointing.
The plot was predictable, and the special f(x) was terrible.