What advice was given to a depressed car?
You have no more energy left to live, you just need try to fuel yourself.
What do clouds wear under their shorts?
Thunderpants!
I have seen a kidnapping.
I decided to let the kid sleep
I cut my mouth on cheese.
My wife must've bought the extra sharp cheddar.
Wife: Honey, I’m going on a business trip to London.
….What gift do you want? . . . . . . Husband: A British girl would be nice. Wife: Okay. Wife completes her trip and returns home. Husband: So did you bring me a British girl? Wife: Yeah. Husband: Where is she? Wife: It takes nine months to unpack the gift.
My friend refused to believe he was gay and a dyslexic.
He was in Daniel.
How do you communicate with a fish?
You drop him a line.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity!
Oral sex using telekinesis
Mind blowing
Thanos has a favorite social media
Snapchat
Why was F jealous of C?
Because it was hotter
Why was the Genie angry?
Because someone rubbed him the wrong way.
What do you call a cow in a band?
A moosician. This joke was proudly brought to you by a six year old. He’ll be a great dad one day.
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
Judge: “First offender?” Lady: “No first a Gibson, then a Fender.”
Yo Mama so fat
I swerved to avoid her in the road and ran out of gas
I just got attacked by a gang of mime artists…
They did unspeakable things to me.
My buddy said he doesn’t know what cloning is
That makes two of us.
After graduating from high school, my daughter moved away from home to study at university. She sent this letter home to me…
Dear dad, University i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ¢an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, your $usie. I immediately replied back… Dear Susie, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, dad
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2. But the real question is, how did they get in there?
How does a chicken pay its bills?
In quarters.
How does a lawyer stop the bleeding?
Attorney-kit.
MRW my friend asks what happens to atoms under heat (X-post from /r/shittyreactiongifs)
https://ift.tt/3c5GHPr
Do you speak Spanish?
A) No B) A little C) Señor
Why did the blind man fall in the well?
Because he couldn't see that well
Why do ghosts get so many DUIs
Cuz they're full of BOOS
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
There once was a man from Kent
whose dick was so long that it bent. So to save him some trouble, he tucked it in double, and so instead of coming, he went. Do limericks count as jokes?
“Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?”
"Yes, we arson."
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion
Hey /r/CleanJokes, police related jokes just aren’t funny!!
So give it arrest…