What are Michael Jackson’s pronouns?
He/He
What does the word ‘gay’ mean?
asked a son to his father. "It means 'happy,'" replied the father. "Oh," contested the son, "so are you gay, then?" "No, son, I have a wife."
What’s the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on
I just bought an expensive car, only to find the reverse gear broken…
There’s no going back now…
Made this a month ago, someone should make a better version
Made this a month ago, someone should make a better version
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t have possibly been named before him
What kind of school do belly buttons go to?
Navel academies.
Have you heard about a the constipation movie?
It hasn’t come out yet!
The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming figures
Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.
I’m so good at sleeping
I can do it with my eyes closed
My dad is forbidden from buying alcohol since he started working in the coal mine
They don't sell alcohol to miners
Reddit was down this morning
Leaving millions of workers nothing to do except their jobs
If you masturbate after smoking marijuana…
Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?
My wife said we should hire a maid. “The job will get done a lot more often, and they’ll do a way better job!”
Apparently "Should we hire a prostitute for the same reasons?" was the wrong answer.
To all the ladies and gents who aren’t getting the V or the D in Valentine’s day
Happy Alentine's Ay
Balls..
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, but the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah, Señor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A real delicacy!" The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order." The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, Señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy." The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday." The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Señor. Sometimes the bull wins."
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
What happens when an egg laughs?
It cracks up!
An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, “Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth.” Reflecting, the man says, “I’ll take the wisdom”
"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."
A newbee hunter asked a experienced old hunter how to hunt bears
The old man answered:" It is easy, my son. I've hunted hundreds of bears in my life. You just need to grab your gun and take a ride to some mountains nearby. Firsrt, find a cave or stone cavern that might shelter a bear. Second, make some 'Woo! Woo!' sound so that the bear inside would mistake it as a signal of its companion. It would also produce that same sound as a feedback. After it comes out, you just pull the trigger. Easy? " The newbee nodded and exited without coming back for months. After a long time, the old hunter saw that newbee on a street and found him crippled, with an ear lost and an eye blind. He asked him what happened. The newbee says:" I did as what you told me before. But god damn it, when something inside that cavern answered my 'Woo! Woo!', I didn't expect a train would come out and hit me!" PS: I saw this one days ago and translated it from Chinese to English. Might be some grammar errors.
A JFK conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him. "Welcome. You are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully." Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, "Who really shot Kennedy?" God replies, "Lee Harvey Oswald shot him from sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository. There were no accomplices. He acted alone" The conspiracy theorist pauses, thinks to himself, then says "Shit! This goes higher up than I thought…"
What type of shoes do pedophiles wear?
White vans
Dear whoever stole my disc copy of Microsoft office
I will find you. You have my Word.
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decaffeinated
Why will Congress never impeach Trump?
Because Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
John F Kennedy was just “John Kennedy” From May 29, 1917 To November 21, 1963
They only added the F after he died
What’s the difference between a priest and a pimple?
A pimple waits til you’re twelve to come on your face.
Where did the hacker go?
I don’t know he ransomware.
A mathematician walks into a bar, asks for a beer for himself, and then 10 beers for everyone else there.
The bartender says, “Wow! That’s a different order of magnitude.”
How do dancers ensure job continuity during the Covid crisis?
They twerk from home.