WHat aRE tHEY
How are women like swimming pools?
They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.
Today I took all my daughter’s dolls and lined them up by the window facing our grill
I was just preparing a Barbie Queue
Why did the can crusher quit his job?
Because it was soda pressing.
They should make a film series about a guy who uses candles as weapons.
Call it John Wick.
Two men are roommates in a hospital. Because they are both weak from sickness, the men are unable to speak for weeks.
Finally, one man says to the other, “American.” His roommate replies, “Canadian.” Another week goes by and the first man says weakly, “Danny.” The roommate can only reply, “Phil.” Another week passes and the first man mutters to his roommate, “Cancer.” His roommate replies back, “Virgo.”
Why don’t the Sons of Liberty have a secret knock?
Because freedom rings
A wife goes to her husband and says…
"My birthday is next week. I want something shiny and new that goes from 0 – 300 in 2 seconds." So her husband bought her a bathroom scale.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight Professor X: that's not going to help us Me: yes I see that now
I didn’t think wearing orthopedic shoes would help
But I stand corrected.
Uuhhhhh someone messed up
https://ift.tt/2Ztrunc
Bros Vs. Hoes.
A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it. A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.
My first-time pregnant wife asks “why does it take so long for me to warm up?”
Without missing a beat I responded, "because you're heating for two now." I then proceeded to laugh at my own joke. I feel like I'm prepared for my future as a dad.
Gotta make it buzzword friendly for the execs. We’re all worker pods anyways.
https://ift.tt/39tROA1
What does a tree say once it’s spring?
What a releaf!
My wife has an odd way of starting conversations…
She always starts by saying, “Hey, are you even listening?”
I think I have bad posture
But it's just a hunch.
I like my women how I like my whiskey
Strong, Irish, and at least 18 years old.
Two dogs and a cat die and go to heaven.
Two dogs and a cat die and go to heaven. They are brought before God, who interviews them to determine their fate. He asks the first dog, "What did you do when you were alive on earth?" The first dog answers, "For 15 years I was a guide dog for a blind person. I was killed protecting them from being hit by a taxi." "Very good," says God. "You will sit at my left side." God turns his attention to the second dog and asks, "What did you do when you were alive on earth?" The second dog responds, "I was a police dog for 12 years. I was shot and killed trying to subdue an armed bank robber." God smiles and nods. "Very good. You will sit at my right side." God now looks at the cat and begins to ask, "What did you –" The cat interrupts, "You're in my chair."
kids dumb, technology bad ~ trans: there aren’t any icons to click! it’s a blackboard!
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Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived on the Bay they’d be bagels
I cut my mouth on cheese.
My wife must've bought the extra sharp cheddar.
Why do Americans go fishing with guns?
Because a group of fish is called a school.
A new business is opening and one of the owner’s friends wants to send him flowers for the occasion.
They arrive at the new business site and the owner reads the card: “Rest in Peace.” Understandably the owner is angry and calls the florist to complain. After he tells the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he is, the florist replies, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, ‘Congratulations on your new location.’”
What’s Ironman without his suit?
Stark naked
I was appalled when the waiter told me it’s ‘nacho cheese’
I said i paid for it, it IS my cheese.
Why 69 was afraid of 70?
Because once they had a fight and 71.
3 spies from England, France and Italy were sent to the USSR.
After a week they were captured and put in jail. The Russians took the English spy, tied and tortured him and after 20 minutes he gave all the info. Then the Russians took the French spy. They tied and tortured him, and after 20 minutes he too gave all the info. Then they took the Italian spy and did the same to him, but he didnt give any info. They kept torturing him for 3 hours but with no luck. Eventually they gave up and put him back in the cell. The 2 other spies asked him “How did you do that? They tortured us like crazy!” The Italian replied: “I wanted to give all my info, but they tied my hands and so I couldn't speak.