What are you doing step bro?
I’m developing a phobia for German sausages.
I fear the wurst.
My neighbor sells home security systems door to door. He’s pretty good at it too.
If nobody's home he just leaves a brochure on the kitchen table.
My girlfriend sat on my keyboard…
I told her, " You must be sitting on the F5 key, because that butt is refreshing." … She said, "No it's Alt +F4". I just got shut down.
This is definitely something my dad would say
https://ift.tt/36v2CNJ
What do call a masturbating cow?
Beef stroganoff!
What did Charizard say to Pikachu?
Charizard
I finally finished my book about clocks
And if you ask me, it’s about time.
I want to be a mailman, but my friends keep telling me I’ll be terrible at it.
Oops, posted this in the wrong place.
My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
I have an uncle, once removed.
Have you heard of atheism?
It’s a non-prophet organization
What do girls and noodles have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them.
A man answers the door and sees two police officers standing there.
Officer: I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been in a horrible car accident Husband: But she has a great personality.
My 8 yr old son asked me to buy him a Lamborghini
I told him by the time he got his license and was old enough to drive it, it would be a Sheeporghini
What did the momma cow say to the baby cow?
It's pasture bedtime
What is the opposite of adulting?
Just kidding!
Mother in law dies
A guy goes on vacation in the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. The mother-in-law dies. So the couple goes to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home, but it will cost over $5,000, whereas burying her in the Holy Land would cost only $150. “We’ll ship her home,” says the husband. The undertaker asks, “Are you sure? That’s an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here.” The husband says, “Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”
Where do you keep Arnold Schwarzenegger dolls in a store?
Aisle B, back.
A police officer just pulled me over. The officer came up to my window and said “papers?”
I yelled “scissors, I win!” and drove off. He’s been chasing me for 45 minutes now… I'm pretty sure he wants a rematch.
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
A movie with a 3.14 rating is a pirated movie.
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If abortion is such a mature subject,
why does it bring out people's inner child?
My wife laughed when I said I had the body of a 20 year old
Then she looked in the freezer
What do you call the argument between two vegans?
A plant-based beef. P.S. [This is my first joke, pls don't judge too harshly]
After buying a new sail for my boat, Amazon told me it’s too late to cancel my order.
That sail has shipped.
I saw a woman with 12 breasts the other day…
Sounds weird, dozen tit?
A man knocked on my door today and asked for a small donation for the local swimming pool…
So I gave him a glass of water…
I can prove getting kicked in the nuts hurts worse than childbirth.
No guy has ever gotten kicked in the nuts, and then a couple years later says, “You know, I’d like another one.”
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. Bartender asks him what’s with the steering wheel? He replies…
"Arghhh, I don't know but it's been drivin' me nuts all day"
Orion’s belt is a big waist of space.
Ok, it's not that funny, only a 3 star joke
I wrote a joke about minorities.
It's different to the other jokes.
A Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50.
A Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50. Standing next to the cage the man asks, "I wonder why he is so cheap?" "Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs." A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whispers, "I have a big penis. I just wrap it around the bar and stay put. Go offer the owner 30 bucks for me. He'll take it." The man walks out of the store with the parrot and takes him home. They become best of friends. They talk sports, politics, current events. The man could not be happier. One day the man gets home from works and the parrot beckons him over with his wing…"Psst…come here. I need to talk to you." "What?" "It's about your wife." "Yeah, what about her?" "And the postman. Today he knocked and she answered the door in a skimpy black negligee." "What!" "Yes. And then they embraced in a long passionate kiss," the parrot went on. "Holy shit…that can't be possible." "It is. Then they went over to the couch and she slipped him out of his uniform and then things started to get really steamy." "Well," the man asks,"what happened next?" "I don't know," said the parrot. "I got a hard on and fell off my perch."
What do you call a dinosaur fart?
A blast from the past!
