What blood type does a pessimist have?
B Negative
“Excuse me sir, will the pizza be long?”
"No sir it'll be round." *joke courtesy of a local restaurant
I hate how politically correct the world is these days, you can’t even say black paint
You have to say Leroy, please paint that wall
My mum always used to say “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach”.
Nice lady, terrible surgeon.
This morning Chuck Norris was shot
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
What jokes are allowed during quarantine?
inside jokes 😀
I was always told to we should celebrate our mistakes
I guess that's why my mum throws me a birthday party every year
I phoned my work this morning and said, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today, I have a wee cough.”
He said, “You have a wee cough?” I said, “Really? Thanks boss, see you next week!”
A lot of things are going to change since I got my girlfriend pregnant.
Including my name, address and phone number.
iPhone 12 Commercial Parody – 48 CAMERAS!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-1h1wU-ODM&ab_channel=DanielJacobsFilms
I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fu Cologne.
Four men are stranded with nothing but cigarettes on a boat with no way to light them
So they throw one cigarette off board, and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter
I don’t trust people who draw…
They always seem sketchy.
This Sunday is Father’s Day
I just want to give a shout out to all you motherfuckers out there.
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change color?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
A man and his wife checked into a hotel.
An hour after checking in, the man calls the front desk. Man- "My wife and I had a fight and she is going to jump out the window." Help desk- " It's your personal matter and we cant help in this situation. " Man- " Personal matter my ass the window doesn't open."
Grandma just got (re)married, this is the type of stuff my new Grandpa is sharing.
https://ift.tt/30QJSG1
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.
It was a risk I was willing to take.
Just heard someone bragging about their one night stand
Well I've got two night stands and a double bed
What do the twin towers and gender have in common?
There used to be 2 of them and now it’s a touchy subject
“Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?” “Rhino!”
"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn!"
I just got out of a heated debate with a friend of mine who read an article on this
https://ift.tt/36skeKs
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order: 456123?
In charge of the sequence. Yoda was.
Kid: Waahhh! Dad, my toy is broken! Dad: Nothing that a duct tape can’t fix.
Kid: mmmph.. mmrr…
A horse walks into a bar, at which point the bartender asks if he’s an alcoholic given all the bars he frequents.
“I don’t think I am.” the horse replies. poof The horse disappears. This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as they’re familiar with the philosophical proposition of “Cogito Ergo Sum”, or “I think, therefore I am”. But to explain that joke beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
The boomer who shared this made sure to let everyone know that the mechanic was his favorite
https://ift.tt/2Xp5fyC
Do you know what I said to the person who was chasing me?
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Mud
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