What borders on stupidity?
Mexico and Canada.
I used to smoke weed and go to the class…
sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions. I was the best teacher ever.
Apparently my snoring is so loud that
I scare everyone in the car I'm driving
Dont challange Death to a pillow fight
…Unless you want to deal with the Reaper cushions.
A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.
“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.” The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?” “We have no cellphone reception at all in our village.”
I broke 2 fingers on my right hand today
On the other hand everything is OK. Happy Fathers Day everybody
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I've got two half sisters.
This morning Chuck Norris was shot
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
It is a very clear sign that the hive mind found something it doesn’t like.
It is a very clear sign that the hive mind found something it doesn’t like.
The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.
Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling." Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal clotting." Her Majesty: "Fascinating. Very well, carry on." All is well, until a few doors down the Queen sees a beautiful blonde nurse giving another patient a blowjob. Her Majesty: "Now what's this?" Nurse: "He's suffering from the same condition as that other patient, but this man has much better health insurance."
I’ve been trying for ages to buy a supermarket conveyor belt divider…
…but the cashier always keeps putting it back!
My nerdy friend just got a Ph.D. on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr.Awkward.
What do you say to a 20 year old with no legs, one eye and no health insurance?
“Thank you for your service”
The oyster shucker at Red Lobster is on sick leave…
He pulled a muscle.
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
Why are there only 239 beans in a can?
If there’s one more, it would be too farty.
I bet a butcher that he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf
He refused, because the steaks were too high.
The guy who invented knock-knock jokes…
…should get a NO – BELL prize.
Man:I am done,i am suiciding. Woman:If you are going down throw out the trash
https://ift.tt/3b882iR
I never believed the chiropractors actually worked
But now I stand corrected
A man gives his wife blood to keep her alive.
Later they split up, man says, I want my fucking blood back, wife throws a tampon at him and says I'll pay monthly.
A man and a woman are standing in an elevator. The woman suddenly asks “Is having a penis nice?”
The man laughed and said “Eh, it has its ups and downs.”
Baby gender reveal at my family reunion
My brother’s wife has been pregnant for five months and decided that they wanted to reveal the gender of the baby at our family reunion of about 40 people. One night, after just finishing up a BBQ, my brother and his wife stand up and announce to the family that they are going to have a little baby girl. Everyone starts cheering, naturally. Once the cheers die down a little I shout out, “Do you have a name for the baby yet?” My brother replies, “Yeah. Liana Noelle.” Everyone starts to “Ooohhh” and “Ahhhh” and proclaim how pretty of a name it is. Then after a moment I shout, “How the hell are you supposed to spell Liana with no L?”
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Why did the Swedish navy put barcodes on their ships
So they could Scandinavian
My parents insisted that they never had a favorite child when I grew up
I'm an only child 🙁
Stop saying life is a joke. It isn’t.
A joke has meaning.
How do you know how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give a weigh, give it a weigh now!!
What rock group has four guys that don’t sing?
Mt. Rushmore.