What breed of dog leaves permanent paw prints?
A Sharpei š
Iām so upset! Someone stole my limbo stick!
I mean how low can you go
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods
But its harder to deter gents
How do depressed frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.
Don’t you HATE it when people Capitalize words sTrAnGeLy?
I guess shift happens.
Iām tired of seeing āHey OP, I slept with your mom last night!ā every time I post something on Reddit.
I shouldnāt have told my dad what my username was.
If the Internet had a boat, where would they park it?
In Google Docs.
My wife forgot the code to her luggage, but I figured it out.
You can say… I solved the case.
I hate guys who are too overconfident..
I really do. Edit: Thanks for the silver! Edit: Thanks for the gold! Edit: Thanks for the platinum! Edit: Thanks for 4k up votes!
What borders on stupidity?
Mexico and Canada.
I burned 400 calories this morning.
My Pop Tarts got stuck in the toaster.
Wife: “I shaved down there. You know what that means…”
Husband: "Yeah, the drain is clogged again."
What body of water do tees like to swim in?
The Golf of Mexico
The bible is one of the best-selling books in the world.
You could say it's very prophetable.
My girlfriend threw some Omega 3 capsules at me today…
Itās okay though, I only have super fish oil injuries.
Where does a horse go when it gets sick?
The horse-pital Just kidding it gets shot
Are you aware of how to avoid clickbait?
Guess not
At first I disliked parasites
But later on they grew on me
My ex-girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends I was terrible in bed.
They all disagreed with her though.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
You use spring water.
If you feel the Bern you should vote for Bernie Sanders
That way you can get a doctor to take a look at it
Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.
They rub it, and a genie appears. "I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces. The first dinosaur thinks hard. "Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat." Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him. Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder. "I know! I'll have a shower of meat!" Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him. The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs. "I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"
What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters. By the way…
…that was not a question.
When I die, I hope to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
Say what you will about Vlad the Impaler…
…the guy knew how to make a point.
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They will never allow change, even if it makes the world a brighter place.
Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.
The inspector released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."
The first 10 incarnations of Winnie the Pooh were so cute.
XI is just a fucking asshole.
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Why can’t you trust a math teacher holding a graph paper?
She's definitely plotting something.
With Christmas coming up, my wife asked our 3 year old what do you know about Jesus? To which she replies “well I know he’s a bad driver and a moron”
Because every time I'm in the car with Daddy, all he ever says is "Jesus Christ learn how to drive you freaking moron"
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws
Me: See? To prove I’m not a boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!
Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh? Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work! Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly.. Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop talking in clickbait.
What happened next will shock you!
The museum guide
Visitor: "How old is that Tyrannosaurus skeleton?" Guide: "70,000,006 years." Visitor: "Wow. How can you be so precise?" Guide: "They told me it was 70,000,000 years old when I started working here."
How many U.S. Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
Forty-five. A couple dozen to turn it to the right, a score of them to turn it to the left, and one to really, really screw it at the end.
I threw my wife a surprise bukakke party.
It was a big success. Everyone came. You should have see her face.
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.