What can I say after okey dokey artichoke?
My daughter got scared when she had her first period
I told her it was an ovary action.
They always bring out the propane torch whenever they need to melt cheese
They always bring out the propane torch whenever they need to melt cheese
Yo mama so fat
We are all concerned for her health, Kevin.
For anyone attending Stan Lee’s funeral…
Make sure you stay after the ceremony is finished.
The boss of a mining company is trying to decide which of his 3 sons to promote so he gives them a test.
He sits them all down and tells them: "There is bound to come a time in this company when you will hit a sudden economic crisis. When these times come you must know how to cut down on expenses and do the best you can with what budget you have." Then he proceeds to give them each 1000 dollars, and tells them that he will come back to the mine in a week, and see which of them have been able to move the most ore with the money they were given. He returns after one week to check up on them, and approaches his oldest son. "How much digging have you been able to do?", he asks. "3 tons of ore, father. I used 300 dollars to buy a broken digger, I then used my business contacts to find a mechanic willing to fix it for just 200 dollars if I gave his 5 kids a job. The youth is so desperate for a job this day, they will do 12 hour shifts even for an internship, and I only had to pay them 100 dollars each for a week of work" The father pats his son proudly on the shoulder before moving on to his middle child, asking him how much mining he had been able to do as well. "10 tons of ore, father. I used 100 dollars to run a local ad in the newspaper asking for workers, then took in 75 undocumented immigrants who all brought their own tools and shovels. They're all so afraid of being taken by immigration that they're willing to work for half minimum wage." The father looks skeptically at his son for a while, but notices the massive piles of ore the workers are carrying out, and gives him a nod before carrying on to his youngest son. "How much mining have you been able to do?", asks the father. "35 tons, dad, but I didn't use any of the budget." The father looks at him in awe, his jaw dropping, "how were you able to move 35 tons of ore for free!?" "I invited a bunch of conspiracy theorists. They just keep digging deeper and deeper thinking they're going to find something, and every time I tell them to take a break they accuse me of trying to withhold the truth from them!"
An atheist, a vegan, and a cross fitter walk into a bar.
I know because they told everyone within two minutes.
What is a pirate’s favorite letter?
(After they reply with R) Ye think it’d be Arr, but me first love be the C
Two women go on a night out…
Two women, Mary and Margaret, go on a night out, leaving their husbands at home. After a heavy night of Guinness, and while walking home through a large cemetery they both have a strong urge to relieve themselves. They each pop a squat behind a bush, and after doing the deed Mary calls over "psssst, hey Margaret! How are you going to, you know, wipe your butt?" Margaret tells her "I'm going to use my underwear and toss them away after, they're my cheap ones so I don't care!" Mary has a think about it, but she is wearing her best Victoria's Secret panties and doesn't really want to throw them away, so after a lot of debate she very regrettably decides to wipe herself with a wreath from a nearby grave, and then the two continue home. The following day, their husbands are sitting in the bar. One tells the other "hey bud, I don't think we should let our wives go out together any more. Margaret came home last night with no panties on" The other tells him "you think that's bad!? My wife came home with a card in her ass saying 'from all the boys at the the station, we're going to miss you'! "
What did Tennessee?
The same thing that Arkansas.
“Timmy, what’s 119+1?” Asked the teacher.
"5!" Yelled Timmy. "Yes Timmy, that is correct."
I gently slid her panties to the side …
so that I could fit the rest of the socks in the drawer
My son got kicked out of three schools this year for letting a girl in class wank him off. I told him, “Son…
…maybe teaching isn’t the best job for you.”
My wife yelled at me to put the toilet seat down
I can’t even remember why I was carrying it around
When I get naked in the bathroom
the shower gets turned on.
I called my friend and told him I put a load in his dishwasher
I also told him she wants him to clean his room
There’s radical feminist plot to attack the postal service…
They heard it was a mail dominated industry.. ( Possibility OC?)
Power outages delight me.
No text found
“Do you tell your husband when you have an orgasm”?
"No, he doesn't like to be disturbed at work".
I’m really pleased that our band has just signed a Jamaican triangle player.
Now every little ting is gonna be all right!
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a herbalist living nearby, who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After some discussion with his wife, the man made a visit to the herbalist and handed his voucher over wondering what he was in for. The elderly herbalist handed a potion to the man, and with a grip on his shoulder warned him. "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want." Greatly encouraged, the man turned and started to walk away, then stopped and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" The herbalist replied, "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." Eager to see if it worked the man went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.
My wife just said “You weren’t even listening, were you?”
I thought that's a weird way to start a conversation
My earliest childhood memory is visiting the eye doctor and getting my glasses.
Life before that was a blur.
BANG BANG BANG
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay and the surgeon decides to leave the bullets where they are as it is too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong," asks the mother. "Well, mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out," replies the daughter. The mother tells her it is okay and explains what happened 16 years before. About a week later the second daughter walks into the room in tears. "Mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out." The mother tells her what happened 16 years before and tells her not to worry. Another week passes by and the son walks into the room in tears. "It's okay," says the mother, "I know what has happened, you were having a wee and a bullet came out." "No," says the boy, "I was having a w*nk and I've shot the dog."
Make sure you raise your left leg at midnight tonight guys.
Let’s start the new year off on the right foot.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles…. I’m not sorry.
Blind man goes for surgery
A man blind from birth hears about new surgery that can give him sight. He goes to the doctor who tells him he can do the surgery. He asks if being able to see will have any negative impacts on his life. "Well," the doctor says. "You won't be able to maintain an erection." "Is that a common side effect from the surgery," the blind man asks. "No," says the doctor. "It's just that your wife is ugly."
I’m so excited to finally get a dad bod
It's the first time I've ever had a father figure
The spread of COVID-19 is based on two factors
How dense the population is How dense the population is
Wanna hear a feminist joke?
Me too.
12yr old daughter got me good
She walked up to me, hands behind her back.. "Check it out, dad! This is really funny looking!" "What? Lemme see…" And the little shit holds up a mirror to my face, giggling her head off. Payback is a bitch, little girl….
Did you hear about the explosion at the Shoe Factory?
God rest their soles.