What can I say except this is just story of my… Instagram..
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Nice legs." The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so." I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
How did Pinocchio find out he was a wooden boy?
His hand caught fire
Mountains aren’t just funny
They’re hill areas
Children are like farts
You can only tolerate your own
Long one, sorry.
Once upon a time there was a little town called Trid. The Trids were an industrious people who traded with other towns outside of their little valley. One day, a giant appeared on the hilltops surrounding Trid. Every time a trade caravan would leave, the giant would kick them back down the hill. Over the days, the Trids began to grow afraid that they would starve without their bustling trade economy, so they held a town meeting to figure out what to do about the giant. They decided to try and reason with him before they would fight him, and that the wisest among them should go out the following day. Unanimously, they elected the town Rabbi as the wisest man. So the next day, the Rabbi went out to speak to the giant. He got kicked back down the hills before he could even say a word. He went up a second time with the same result. Although battered and bruised, he tried one last time. Before the giant could kick him he yelled out, "Stop!" And the giant actually stopped. "What is it?" the giant asked. "I'm the local Rabbi and I represent the Trids" the Rabbi replied. "We want to you to stop kicking us down the hills or we'll starve. Will you stop kicking us?" The giant looked down at him with a gleam in his eyes and a slight smile on his lips and said, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids."
Why do Native Americans hate April?
Because April showers bring May Flowers, and Mayflowers bring white people.
Magician: “For this trick I’m gonna dissapear”
Magician: Looking at pear “You’re ugly!”
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
He was afraid of Capitalism.
Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell cocaine.
I would not have to sell cocaine anymore.
I’m sick of all these people saying cats are liquid.
They're obviously non-Mewtonian.
Tarzan spent his whole life living in the jungle and had no idea what sex is.
One day Jane decided to give him a few hours of sex ed and explain it all to him with gestures like he was a child: "Tarzan, this thing hanging between your legs is your rag and this thing you see between my legs is a washing machine… What you have to do is wash your rag in my machine." The next 5 evenings Tarzan has been washing his rag uncontrollably. When the exhausted Jane finally manages to catch her breath she tells him: "Tarzan, listen to me… You can't wash your rag so often because the washing machine will break." You need to wash it every three to four days. Tarzan listens to her and for the next month he doesn't even lay a finger on the machine. One day Jane becomes anxious and asks him: "Tarzan, what's wrong? Why haven't you washed your rag in my machine for a month?" Tarzan responds happily: "Tarzan learn to wash by hand!!!"
I recently found out I was colorblind
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple 😀
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog
Three Russian men are sitting together in a train headed to the Gulag.
One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?" The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat." The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers." Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?" "Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West.
Not mine but I can’t find the original creator, if you find them pls contact me
https://ift.tt/2whrgE2
What breed of dog leaves permanent paw prints?
A Sharpei 🖊
Chubby Karen unable to pray Covid-19 away. Unfortunately, Lots of them to go.
https://ift.tt/39SbQEm
I’ve never gone to a gun range before.
I decided to give it a shot.
What kind of music does a balloon liseten to?
Pop! Also this is my first joke, so sorry if someone has made it before but I haven't seen it yet
So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.
So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks. The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!" They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And mathematics is just applied philosophy!" The laughter roars even louder, and then the physicist turns to the philosopher. "Shut the fuck up and make my coffee."
I’m so sick of people saying stealing is wrong.
I just don't buy it.
I have a lot of jokes about the unemployed people
But none of them work!!
Made a little something you can send to people who should just use a search engine
https://ift.tt/3h73Eon
News just in: Local police have acquired 1000 bees
They're believed to be used as part of a sting operation
What do you call a nun that sleepwalks?
A roamin' catholic.
Why are there only 239 beans in a can?
If there’s one more, it would be too farty.
FYI, If your boat turns upside down, you can wear it on your head.
– – – Because it's capsized
True Fact: Before the crowbar was invented
Most crows drank at home
Q: Why did Ariel wear seashells?
A: She outgrew her B shells.
Why was Pavlov’s hair soft?
Because he conditioned it
My therapist told me to write letters about people I hate and burn them.
I did that but now I don’t know what to do with the letters
To the guy who invented zero,
Thanks for nothing.
For those of you who were superstitious yesterday, today should be worse…
It's Pi day the 14th, expect irrational fear
What Did the Janitor Say When He Jumped Out of the Closet?
"Supplies!" I'll see myself out
How heavy is a Jew
Chances are he Israelite