What car do you drive in fall?
Autumn-mobile
Remember to poop before midnight tonight
You donβt want to be carrying the same shit into the new decade
A man made a mistake in an elevator.
He was wrong on many levels.
Yoda and Obi Wan in a space ship
Obi wan asks: "are we going the right way?" Yoda answers: "off course, we are"
The new sex position is called Brexit:
It's when you promise to pull out but you don't:
I never understood school shooting jokes…
I guess theyβre aimed at a younger audience.ο»Ώ
If life gives you melons
Your probably dyslexic.
My missus packed my bags and left them in the hallway
As I walked out the door, she screamed… "I wish you a slow and painful death you bastard!!" "Oh!" I replied "so you want me to fucking stay now!"
The pulley is the most egotistical of all machines.
Itβs always the centre of a tension.
At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.
Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything. "When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim." Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a round. When Tiger agrees, Stevie asks, "How about if we play for $10,000 a hole?" Tiger insists he couldn't possibly play him for money because of his sight handicap. But Stevie argues and badgers Tiger until Tiger finally relents. Stevie says, "You pick the place and I'll pick the time?" Tiger says, "Fine. Pebble Beach." Stevie replies, "Midnight!"
Who designed King Arthurβs Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
Why did the wizard seductively kiss his date a few inches below her jawline?
He was a neck romancer.
Did you hear about the lumberjack who got a promotion?
Now he's a branch manager.
What’s Thanos’ favourite game? [OC]
Half Life.
Two fish are in a tank.
One says to the other: "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
A man wanders back home at 3:00 am.
His wife: You are late.You said you would be home by 11:45 pm. Man:(Casually) I said i would be home by a quarter of 12.
kids dumb, technology bad ~ trans: there aren’t any icons to click! it’s a blackboard!
https://ift.tt/3eY0TEP
Did you hear about the steer that ate a stick of dynamite?
It was abominable!
Tequila wont fix your life..
..But its definitely worth a shot.
What do a midget and a dwarf have in common ?
Very little
I just realized, this sub doesnβt inherently make fun of boomer humor, it just compiles it.
Some boomer humor is actually good, some is wholeheartedly trash, but both sides of the spectrum exist, and both can be enjoyed.
Because your side projects are just an excuse to make a new framework, right?
https://ift.tt/2Xz0fqE
My brother works for my band, helping me fix and replace parts of my drums.
He re-cymbals me, too.
I saw a theatre production about puns recently
It was a play on words
Time flies like an arrow, and fruit flies like a banana
No text found
Did you hear about the monkeys Who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates.
It was the final of the national poetry competition
There were two finalists – one from the most prestigious university in the country, the other a country bumpkin from out West. They were each given 20 seconds to compose a poem about Timbuktu. Up steps the university student and he goes: "On the lonely desert sands, Crossed a lonely caravan. Men on camels, Two by two. Destination, Timbuktu." The crowd went wild – amazing for 20 seconds. Then it's the country bumpkin's turn: "Tim and I Off hunting went. Found three girls In a pop up tent. They were three, And we were two So I bucked one And Tim buck two."
It was very difficult to switch off my mother-in-lawβs life support system.
I had to fight my wife and two doctors to do it.
Which President is the least guilty?
Lincoln. Heβs in a cent
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled back, "Nah, I didn't pay for my haircut!"
I just saw a guy selling beef from the top of a ladder…
The steaks couldn't be higher.
My wife asked me if I was having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch.
I said: βHow can you say such a thing?β
What do the testicles of a priest look like?
Silly question, every child knows that.