What color is a window?
Well, the answer's pretty clear…
We were maid for each other.
Because she kept running away from the ball
Reddit fills your mind with thoughts. Instagram fills your mind with thots.
I don't know why
I told him it’s Ctrl-P. He says he hasn’t been able to do that for ages.
I bet the guy who invented hand sanitizer is rubbing his hands together now.
So I turned on the air conditioning.
Lets look at the board and I'll go through it again….
It's too close to the gas chamber. Edit: Jesus Christ, look at that, I got silver! Not 30 pieces, but anyway.
A boy in Brooklyn is outside of a candy shop shoveling candy in his mouth. A man approaches the boy and says, “Don’t eat candy, kid. It’s not good for you.”
The boy replied, "My grandfather lived until he was 97." "Really," said the man. "Did he eat a lot of candy, too?" The boy replied, "No, but he minded his own fucking business."
A: Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
It was great, but I can’t work out why I was the only naked person there.
They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night. "I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn," says the Farm Owner. The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it's no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door. "I'm sorry, but there is a cow in the barn, and they are sacred to me." "No problem," says the Rabbi, and he goes to the barn. Again though, he returns and knocks. "There is also a pig in there, and that is against our teachings." "I will go then, friends," says the Jehovah's Witness, and he proceeds to the barn. A few moments later, there is a knock at the door. It's the cow and the pig.
I hate it so much that I work there seven days a week.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
Zero school shootings so far this year.
They are always up to something.
My husband has been making a lot of pizza lately. He ferments the dough and I have been naming each batch with a pun. The current batch is Yeast Lightning. I texted my dad and asked him to help me think of some new names. He texted back "Just rise to the occasion."
please form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
She said, “Thanks dad, that means a great deal.”
Everyday I tell the wife I’m gonna do a few miles around the neighborhood for exercise. And I never do lol.
It’s a running joke I have
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
The ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was amazing
Unfortunately it was from taco bell
A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, “Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time.”
The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot. WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture — soon, he's been on every animal on the farm. The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer wakes up the next morning to find Randy laid out flat in the middle of the yard, buzzards circling overhead. The sad farmer shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself." Randy opens one eye, winks, and nods towards the sky, "Shhh, they're getting closer."
And a Czech one too. A Czech one too.
I’m not sure what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.
When the punchline becomes apparent.