What compels them to post stuff like this? Honestly?
I was at the beach and saw this guy in the water yelling, “Help, shark! Help!
I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
A 60 year old billionaire marries a hot 24 year old…
During the wedding party, his friends ask him, “How’d you land someone that young?” “It’s simple,” said the billionaire, “I faked my age!” “I mean, I’m 43, and there’s no way I could land her!”, a friend exclaims. “What age did you tell her you were?” Smiling mischievously, the billionaire responds, “85 years old.”
Roommate: If you keep stealing all my kitchen utensils than I’m moving out!
Me: That's a whisk I'm willing to take.
Why do Americans have good computers?
Because they have no troubleshooting.
A man goes to a brothel.
The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "May I help you sir?" she asked. The man replied, "I wan to see Valerie." "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else" said the madam. He replied, "No, I must see Valerie." Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. "There are no discounts. The price is still $5000." Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row." "Where are you from?" The man replied, " New Brunswick ." "Really," she said. "I have family in New Brunswick ." "I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney." "She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."
What happens when you crash your fancy new car?
Your Mercedes bends
Do you want to hear my impression of an extractor fan?
“I used to love tractors.”
Why did the blonde woman have bruises on her belly button?
Because blonde men are stupid too.
On their 50th anniversary, a woman asks her husband, “What did you think of me when you first met me?”
The husband replies, "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry." The woman then asks, "What do think of me now?" The husband takes a good slow look, running his eyes up and down all over her body. Finally, he answers, "I think I did a pretty good job."
My girlfriend asked me when I last had sex with someone that wasn’t her…
“Back in 02” I said, Sounds much better than February.
See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!
Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh? Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work! Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly.. Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.
To get a girl, some guys use pick up lines. Others rely on the attraction of their car
So I figure a pick up truck should cover both bases
I’m so good at sleeping…
I can do it with my eyes closed!
A sweet, little old lady walks into a bar frequented by the baddest biker gang around.
She walks up to the leader, a real mountain of a man, and say she wants to join. He can barely contain his laughter, and decides to have some fun with her before he tells her off. "Do you even own a bike?" he asks. "I do. It's parked right outside." "Do you swear?" "More than a fucking sailor." She says. "Do you drink?" "Like a fish." The leader is surprisingly impressed, and asks one more question. "Well, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The old lady thinks for a minute, and then says "No, but I've been swung around by the nipples before."
Fun(ny way put) Facts About DNA | Science Is Fun
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ozq9418Cs0o&feature=youtu.be
I got my friend a cake in the shape of Pac Man
At least that's what I told him when he saw it.
Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?
Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.
A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan
A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan. The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?" The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce." The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?" The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks. When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?" The woman replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
I played “Sweet Home Alabama” to my sister since I learned the guitar recently
Nothing happened. But our kids loved it
England has no kidney bank but…
It does have a Liverpool
Are you today’s date?
Because you're 10/10.
A husband will only have sex with his wife on one condition
A married couple of 20 years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom. He'd only have sex with the lights off. The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it felt like he was actually reasonably well-equipped downstairs, so everything was good. However, 20 years of blind sex took its toll on her and their relationship. In the middle of one of their love-making sessions, the wife dived for the lamp and turned on the light. She saw her husband with his pants on and a dildo in hand. There was a brief moment of silence, then the wife sternly stated "You have some explaining to do." The husband looked her dead in the eye and said "I'll explain this when you explain the kids".
Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump…
But that’s comparing apples to oranges.
So, this dude was walking down a beach and kicked a lamp, and a magic genie pops out.
The genie gives him the old "you freed me, so I will grant you a wish" thing that genies do. So the guy says "I love riding my motorcycle. I would love to ride it around the world. Can you build a highway that connects the entire world together?" The genie pauses for a moment, and with a look of disappointment tells the guy "while I am in fact a mighty powerful genie, not all wishes can be granted. A wish of that magnitude is impossible. Think of something else". The guy thinks for a moment and says "ya know what Gene? I love reading reddit. One of my favorite subreddits is r/jokes, but all that is there are reposts. Can you get some new material on there for me?" The genie replies "Ok…..so was that a two lane, or four lane highway?"
Today a girl kissed me…
I wish I could post it in another subreddit
What kind of concert only costs 45 cents?
A 50 Cent concert featuring Nickelback.
I always confuse claustrophobia and homophobia
Remind me, which is the one about being in the closet?
You know what makes me throw up?
A dart board on a ceiling.
Man I love my furniture
Me and my recliner go way back.
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi do.
Mother Superior is in the convent, when she hears a knock at the door. She opens the door and is shocked to see two leprechauns standing at the threshold, hats in hand. The first leprechaun speaks, “Mother Superior, would you be having any leprechaun nuns in this convent?”
"No, my son. We have no leprechaun nuns in this convent." "And mother, do you have any leprechaun nuns in all of Ireland?" "No my son, I don't believe there's a single leprechaun nun in the whole church!" The first leprechaun rounds on his companion and shouts, "AH TOL' YE YOU'D BEEN FOOKIN' A PENGUIN!"
Have you ever noticed that Hasbro has cornered the entire board game industry?
I guess you can say they own a monopoly.
“My friend Steve drowned, so at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt.
Well, it's what he would have wanted."
[presidential test post]
pls ignore
What did one plate say to the other?
Lunch is on me
You’ve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for….
Times new ramen!
Gay people have no excuse to have a bad fashion sense
Like homie what were you doing in the closet that whole time
If your house doesn’t have house numbers on it,
you need to address that situation.
Did you know a school of piranha can devour a child in 30 seconds
Anyhow today I lost my job at the aquarium