What concert costs just 45 cents?
50 cent featuring Nickelback
I decided to try something new and get my wife a box of red hot chili peppers for Valentines
she told me "give it away, give it away, give it away NOW" !
It is very rare for a defibrillator to fail.
When it happens, though, nobody is shocked.
I asked the guy in the store where is the terminator dvd …
He responded, “Aisle B, Back”
Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover there butt Quacks! Straight from my ten year old…. I’m so proud.
[First date] Her: So, what do you do? … Him: I’m working to eliminate all cancers.
Her: Wow! That’s impressive! Him: Thanks. Next up, Capricorns.
My wife asked me if I want a handjob or regular sex
I : handjob definitely . She(surprised) : why is that? I : because one in the hand is worth two in the bush
Why are gay people always laughing
Because they can't keep a straight face
I’m not sure what shocked my mailman more
That I came to the door naked or that I knew where he lived
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school yesterday?
He slept all through math.
I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 Seconds’ DVD.
It was here a minute ago.
Why is Pavlov’s hair so soft?
A lot of conditioning
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet ?
Because they lactose
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
I took my new gun to the range to try it out, but somehow it won’t work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.
Dad: “Would you like anything to eat for dinner?” Son: “What are my choices?”
Dad: "'Yes' or 'no'."
Is buttcheeks one word…
or should I spread them apart?
I hate Russian dolls.
They're so full of themselves.
Dont challange Death to a pillow fight
…Unless you want to deal with the Reaper cushions.
What borders on stupidity?
Mexico and Canada.
Why is dark spelt with a k and not a c?
Because you can't see in the dark.
Cashier: Would you like to donate $2 to end world hunger?
Me: Of course. Holy shit, I had no idea we were that close.
8 Cyber-Security Blunders told through GIFs
Working in IT can all be very exhausting. For all the chief information security officers (CISOs), IT directors, technicians, and any other IT administrator out there grappling with these complex issues, this blog can hopefully bring a smile to your face on a topic, that can typically be exhausting.https://ift.tt/33YMqDH
How does Spider-Man think of such witty comebacks?
Because with great power comes great response ability
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.
The three men had always done everything together!!!!! Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.” The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Gary in to identify the body. Gary looked at the body and said, “Yup he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gary said, “No, it ain’t Bubba.” The mortician asked, “How can you tell?” Gary said, “Well, Bubba had two assholes.” “What? He had two assholes?” asked the mortician. Yup, I’ve never seen ‘em, but everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, “Here comes Bubba with them two assholes!”
This guy is sitting in a bar when this beautiful super model walks in.
So after a few minutes, the guy walks over to her. He leans in and whispers in her ear " Hey can I smell your pussy?" The girl is irate, and she screams at him "What is wrong with you?! That's disgusting! How could you say that?!! NO! You cannot smell my pussy!!!" and the guy says " oh, well I guess it's your feet."
Which organ do you need to live?
The liver.
My chickens got really upset when their home was destroyed.
But they'll recoup.