What country doesn’t take cash or credit?
The Czech Republic
TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don't like the taste of monkey.
How many EA employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
[Unlock the punchline now for just 7.99!]
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain because…
…of the indoor fins…
this
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Are you tired of boiling water every time you make pasta?!
Just boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later!!
I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of her chapstick this morning
I think she's mad, because she still hasn't spoken to me.
I´ve just downloaded the Queen movie, Bohemian Rhapsody!
I think it was filmed in a cinema though, as I see a little silhouetto of a man.
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone.
And then it dawned on me.
Don’t belittle kids.
Be tall, it's much better.
So I work in the oil and gas industry and I just lost my job because of all these wind farms
Needless to say, I’m not a big fan.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good – I ain't got any kids!"
Hello everyone 23 (F) here.
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
I steal candy bars using sleight of hand…
You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve…
Little Johnny is back
The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinating'." Sally raised her hand. She said "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good, Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'." Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him. Johhny said, "My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!"
My ex-girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends I was terrible in bed.
They all disagreed with her though.
What do dentists call their x-rays?
Tooth pics.
I don’t trust umbrellas.
They're shady.
I called work this morning and whispered, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today. I have a wee cough.” He exclaimed, “You have a wee cough!?”
I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
So, a snake walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, “how did you do that?”
What does a turtle do on their birthday?
They shellabrate
Do you know what Bruce Lee’s vegetarian brother is called?
Brocco Lee I'll see myself out.
I used to get heartburn whenever I ate birthday cake…
… until the doctor told me to take the candles off first! Happy cake day to meeeeee!
Bro, can you pass me that pamphlet?
Brochure.
My earliest childhood memory is visiting the eye doctor and getting my glasses.
Life before that was a blur.
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail
but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.
People are so sensitive now-a-days.
People are so sensitive now-a-days. You can’t even say “black paint.” Instead you gotta say,” Jamal, will you please paint the fence?”
What did the necrophiliac get after his wife died?
Mourning wood.
Bad knock-knock joke #4
Knock knock. Who’s there? Amish. Amish who? You're not a shoe, you freaking idiot.
Wife was breastfeeding..
Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in Me: yeah he is really milking it
I’ll tell you what I know about dwarfs
Very little
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What do you call an academic trucker?
A roads scholar.
What’s brown and not very heavy??
Light brown.
When I was in high school, my dad f*cked my teacher repeatedly for better grades in my math class.
Thank god im homeschooled or that could have been wierd
What breed of dog leaves permanent paw prints?
A Sharpei 🖊
A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup.
Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?” The patient replies: “No. I’m afraid to.”