What currency do they use in outer space?
I got caught masturbating with a pickle.
I was Gherkin off
A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm.
When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven. Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on the shoulder… "Want to make a bet while we wait?" The Gambler asks. "If I can guess your last words in three tries, you have to let me cut ahead of you." The old man, having nothing better to do, agrees. Immediately, the gambler begins "reading" him like the pro player he is. He notices the elderly Asian man's shirt is open, exposing a pair of defibrillator marks. "Don't be silly, it's just indigestion." the gambler remarks. The old man looks a bit surprised, then steps aside, giving up his place in line. Next, the gambler taps on a redneck's shoulder. He makes the same bet, and the redneck also accepts. "This one's easy!" the gambler smirks, sizing up the bruised, bloody, grass stained redneck with the caved in skull. "Hold my beer!" Muttering profanities, the redneck begrudgingly steps aside and gives up his place in line. Riding the high of a hot streak, the gambler wastes no time tapping the next man ahead of him on the shoulder. He quickly makes the same bet, and is ecstatic when the agreement is made. "Okay, let's see…" The gambler studies the new mark carefully. He's a large, imposing black man riddled with several bullet holes. The gambler holds his hand out like a gun. "You ain't taking me alive!" The man shakes his head. Wrong. The gambler strokes his chin. The guy is giving him nothing else to work with. The gambler holds the 'gun' sideways, makes a mean face, and shouts, "Fuck the police!" Wrong again. The gambler's getting frustrated, now. He's never been unable to read someone before. Finally, the gambler throws his hands in the air. "I'VE GOT NOTHING!" He shouts. "I GIVE UP!" The man steps aside.
No one will read it anyway
We all know the show was called Spongebob Squarepants
But the star was Patrick
Hmmm… Yes the space here is made out of space
He’s got so much free time for tweet storms.
Book 2 of Kids in Business: Brenda and the Endless Job Application
Two surgeons are in an operating room…
One has a large cut. The second surgeon asks “would you like me to stitch that up for you?” The first surgeon says “no thanks, I’d prefer to close my own wound” The second surgeon replies “suture self”
The kids today
Why does Dwayne Johnson sleep under a pile of magazines?
Because paper covers rock!
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous
I'm seeing a lot of new faces here in the crowd this week and I have to say I am very disappointed.
I saw this one memes and figured it belonged here
I got in touch with my inner self today…
…that's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
How many lumberjacks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
'Bout tree fellers.
Why did the mods of r/iamatotalpieceofshit cross the road?
To collect money from Joel Michael Singer.
I once knew a dyslexic, agnostic, paranoid insomniac.
He'd lie awake at night wondering if there's a dog.
True Fact: Before the crowbar was invented
Most crows drank at home
Takes an artist to make proper UML tbh
What is the tallest building in the world?
The library,it's got the most stories
The reason why world never says hello back!!
Help, Someone from Russia is trying to hack my phone
Edit: sorry, I not hacked. Mother Russia do no such thing. Have good day comrades.
Hahaha wife bad amirite?
I’m fine letting other people dot my i’s, but crossing my t’s?
That's where I draw the line.
Why is Christmas just like your job?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets the credit.
DID THEY JUST GIVE CHARLIE BROWN CANCER?!?
What does DNA stand for?
National dyslexia association
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday.
I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
My girlfriend tried to take a selfie in the shower, but it was too blurry.
She has selfie steam issues.
Liberalism opens the door
Schrodinger gets pulled over by the cops and they do a search of his car.
Cop: Did you know you have a dead cat in your trunk? Schrodinger: I do now.
The soviet union was doomed to fail
The red flags were everywhere.
My boss accused me of stealing, and fired me from my job at the furniture store. But I regret nothing.
Sometimes you have to take a stand.
For the past few days, I wake up to see someone has dumped a bunch of LEGO blocks on my front porch.
I don’t know what to make of it.
What do fish get high on?
I’ll never forget my grandpa’s last words
"Stop shaking the ladder you little shit!"
First her husband now this.
So doc, what you are saying is I should touch myself whenever I feel like it?
No, I said you can have a stroke at any time.
Cadet Bone Spurs, dodging for duty!
I was washing my car with my daughter the other day
and she asked “Dad, why don’t you just use a sponge?”
I don’t what to say really…
Who will speak for the billionaires?
Phone bad mom alone
From a Boomer friend’s Facebook.
If Hooters closes and becomes delivery only…
…would they have to change their name to Knockers?
before my surgery my anaesthesiologist offered to knock me out with either gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether / oar situation.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A Four-chin teller.
Donald Trump in a nutshell
let me catch my breath
My girlfriend poked me in the eyes…
…so I stopped seeing her for a little while.
LMFAO! Yoga sounds like Yoda.🙄
What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to get the picture of Jesus up and hanging
I want to live my next life backwards
You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old age home feeling and start feeling better every day. Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension. Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're too young to work. You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous iykwim. Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities. Then you become a baby, and then… You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions – central heating, room service on tap, and then… You finish off as an orgasm. I rest my case.
I don’t even know…
Right, where have I gone wrong
Big peen good, strong man bad
Omg!!!! SO TRUE
Yeah, this is big brain time
My son is a man trapped into a woman’s body
He'll be born next month
What’s a pirates favorite letter?
P. It's like R, but missing a leg.
Why are Canadians always over qualified for jobs in the US?
Because zero degrees in Canada is the same as 32 in the States.
Neither good at grammar
Why did Karen press control alt delete?
She wanted to speak to the task manager.
If i had a dime for every time i didn’t understand what’s going on.
I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"
Why shouldn’t you kiss someone on January 1st?
It’s only the first date.