What did Adam say to his girlfriend on December 24?
It's Christmas, Eve!
Ps Merry Christmas, happy holidays etc etc to all my fellow dads and dad joke lovers š
An American man, a French man, a Spanish man and a German man are standing on the sidewalk, trying to watch a street performer juggle bowling pins.
The juggler notices they're having a bit of trouble, so he stands on a large wooden box and says to them, "Can you see me now?" They answer one at a time: "Yes." "Oui." "SĆ." "Ja."
Dad I’m cold
Dad: go to the corner it's 90Ā°
Whoās the coolest guy in the hospital when the ultrasound guy isnāt there?
The hip replacement guy
1 week before Grandad died we bought him a snowboard…
…he went downhill very quickly after that.
Why are so many people tired on April 1st?
they just finished a 31 day March.
A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Jehovah’s Witness are lost..
They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night. "I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn," says the Farm Owner. The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it's no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door. "I'm sorry, but there is a cow in the barn, and they are sacred to me." "No problem," says the Rabbi, and he goes to the barn. Again though, he returns and knocks. "There is also a pig in there, and that is against our teachings." "I will go then, friends," says the Jehovah's Witness, and he proceeds to the barn. A few moments later, there is a knock at the door. It's the cow and the pig.
When my grandfather died, we scattered his remains in the sea.
People at the beach started freaking out though, because we didnāt cremate him.
Have you heard about a the constipation movie?
It hasnāt come out yet!
Why do meremaids wear seashell bras?
Because B shells are too small and D shells are too big.
I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today.
Don't worry, I'm not hurt. It was a soft drink.
Iāve been saying āmuchoā more when talking to my Hispanic friends.
It means a lot to them.
I want to buy Appleās new monitor but I only have $4,000…
I canāt stand it!
My dad told me āDonāt be quick to find faultsā
Great man, terrible geologist
I’d like to tell you my corona virus joke.
Hopefully you won't get it.
I just got kicked out of Karaoke night for singing “Danger Zone” six times in a rowā¦
They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…
I couldnāt give a shit about what vegans eat. Cannibals on the other hand…
WHEREāS MY OTHER FUCKING HAND?
What do you call a beehive without an exit?
Unbelievable
My wife caught me cross dressing and told me it was over.
So I packed all her clothes and left.
If the new SONY car ever breaksdown
You'll have to Walkman.
I saw a bunch of guys in black leather jackets crowded around under some trees
It seemed very shady.
Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish…
The results speak for themselves…
Did you know semen leaves the body at almost thirty miles per hour?
This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone. I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.
An Irish man walks into the pub
The bartender asks him: āWhatāll you have?ā The man says: āGive me three pints of Guinness please.ā So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until theyāre gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says: āSir, I know you like them cold. You donāt have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low Iāll bring you a fresh cold one.ā The man says: āYou donāt understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night weād still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and weāre drinking together.ā The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more. The bartender said to him: āI know what your tradition is, and Iād just like to say that Iām sorry that one of your brothers died.ā The man said: āOh, me brothers are fine ā I just quit drinking.ā
An angry man with a gun walks into a bar and yells āWHO HAD SEX WITH MY WIFEā
A man sitting in the corner replies, āYou wonāt have enough bulletsā
A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant: āHow much is Barbie?ā
āWell,ā she says. āWe have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.ā āHey, hang on,ā the guy asks. āWhy is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?ā āYeah, well, itās like this, Divorced Barbie comes with Kenās house, Kenās car, Kenās boat, Kenās furnitureā¦ā
With great reflexes comes great response ability
No text found
I canāt see an end, I have no control and I donāt think thereās any escape ā I donāt even have a home anymore!
Definitely time for a new keyboard…
The Secret Service are no longer allowed to say “Get down Mr. President!”
Now they have to yell "Donald, Duck!"
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says:Ā "Kin ya swallar?"The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks:Ā "Kin ya breathe?"The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says:Ā "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it."
BREAKING: Trump signs an Executive Order renaming the San Andreas Fault
to Barack Obamaās Fault
Donāt date tennis players…
Love means nothing to them
