What did Han Solo say to Greedo before they played a game of Horse?
I'll shoot first.
I cannot eat shrimp, lobsters and clams that have been cooked by heated water vapor….
I have shellfish steamed issues.
I just formed a grunge band and named it “1023 Megabytes”
… haven't gotten a gig yet though.
Yesterday I saw a police officer wearing a pilot’s uniform. I thought it was a bit odd…
Then I realized, he was one of those plane clothes cops…
My grandma is in her 90’s and she still doesn’t need glasses…
She just drinks straight out of the bottle…
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What would you like to see?”
I said, “You pick.” She said, “You pick.” I said, “I don’t care. You pick.” She said, “Sir, there are people in line behind you waiting to buy tickets.”
I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup…
I told her I’m pretty good, but I don’t think I’m ready to compete in a tournament yet.
Apparently, the repairs to Big Ben are going to take three years to complete.
That's ridiculous, considering they're working around the clock.
Knock Knock!
Who's there? Dishes. Dishes who? Dishes Sean Connery.
What’s the difference between a guitar, a fish, and glue?
You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish!
Why can’t Swiss cheese be part of a fat-free diet?
It’s made with hole milk.
I’ve often heard that “icy” is the easiest word to spell
Looking at it now, I see why
My son said he wanted to swim in an ocean someday, any ocean at all.
I told him to be more Pacific.
Catto Corleone!
Catto Corleone!
I have a few jokes about unemployed people
But none of them work
Why are tigers always honest?
Because they aren't lion
Why can’t Harry Potter differentiate between his best friend and a cooking pot
They're both cauldron
I used to be a Christian
Woman: I used to be Christian. Man: It’s all right, I don’t really care for those sorts of things. Woman: Thank god! It’s so much better now that I’m Christine!
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. They are efficient and not very funny
After work, I volunteer to help blind children.
Btw – Verb, not Adjective
You can’t breathe through your nose while smiling.
Of course you can I just wanted you to smile!
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi do.
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
When women wear bikinis, they expose about 96% of their bodies.
But men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.
Name calling does not a president make. He has the mentality of a spoiled child.
https://ift.tt/38EQkmd
My girlfriend broke up with me since I made too many bowling jokes.
I guess they just weren't up her alley. God she's such a pinhead.
How are dad jokes and anti-vaccine kids similar?
They both never get old.
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