What did I say when greeting the fashion designer?
"Nice Jimmy Choo."
Jeff, a semi colon, and an Oxford comma walk into a bar.
They both have a good time.
Why do tigers have stripes?
They don't want to be spotted.
Your mom is so fat
Your mom is so fat that, a group of people started believing that your mom is actually flat. [EDIT] OMG, thanks for the Platinum Wow, thanks for the support guys
One day in class, the teacher brought a bag…
"Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe something, and you tell what I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plump and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No, it's a beet, but I like the way you think. – Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish." Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like the way you think" the teacher replies. "Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like the way you think." Johnny has had enough, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand down my pants. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it's got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter… but I like the way you think!!!"
What does 6.9 mean?
Just another good thing ruined by a period.
I had 4 cans of alphabet soup this morning…
Now I'm having a huge vowel movement.
– Do you know I’m finally going to watch “Back to the Future”?
– It's about time!
I was going to tell a time-travel joke
but you guys didn't like it
Which fruit likes to tease the others?
The banana nana boo boo
A man dies and meets God
God tells him "Because of your excellent behaviour in life, I will grant you one wish, you can ask me anything." The man says "Okay, Tell me who killed JFK?" God says "It was Lee Harvey Oswald acting alone, using his own rifle" The man says "Wow, this goes higher up than I thought"
Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas
Me: sipping toast why?
The boomer who shared this made sure to let everyone know that the mechanic was his favorite
https://ift.tt/2Xp5fyC
Son: Hey Dad, did you ever get shot in the army?
Dad: No I got shot in the leggy.
Why are ghosts bad liars?
Because you can see right through them!
I was telling my wife how sometimes I feel really high and sometimes I feel really low.
"Dear, get off the swing" she said.
I got hit by a rental car on the way to work yesterday
Fucking Hertz.
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years…
…but they're having a really hard time putting their case together…
My son may be a good father…
But I'm a grandfather.
Who do Nuns travel in pairs ?
So one Nun can make sure that the other Nun doesn't get none.
When I was young, my dad used to tear up the last page of all my comic books and never told me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things.
Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes. When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?" "Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream." "Well," says the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it." "My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem – a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down." He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs. She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
Did anyone else’s parents teach them to swim by throwing them in the lake? I think the swimming was the easy part.
Getting out of that burlap sack was tricky, though.
You are under arrest
Police: You are under arrest! Me: Why? Police: Because you transport 6 people at once on a single motorcycle. Me: Did you say six? Police: that is correct, six! Me: Damn it, we have lost Chantal.
Have you heard of the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
My sister walked in and caught me masturbating. She called me a sick pervert.
I walked in and caught her masturbating. She called me a sick pervert. There's no justice in this world.
An alcoholic wakes up in jail.
He asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" "For drinking," replies the officer. "Great," says the man, "when do we start?"
Donald Trump is reportedly banning the sale of pre-shredded cheese.
He wants to make America grate again.
My father in law did well tonight.
NSFW At a restaurant tonight FIL: What do you call nuts on a wall? Everyone:…. FIL:Walnuts! Everyone:groan…. FIL:What do you call nuts in a chest? Everyone:… FIL:CHESTNUTS!! Everyone:… FIL:What do you call nuts on a chin?? Everyone:… FIL:A blowjob!! Everyone:Oh god no…. I'm so proud of him.
I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but there were no toilets in sight and none onboard so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.
The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that a poo in your hand?"
In space, two aliens are talking to each other.
The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons." The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?" The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"
(P+L)(A+N) = PA+PN+LA+LN
Ha! I just foiled your plan!
How do you turn a boat into a hat?
Just turn it over, and now it's capsized!
I just bought the personalized license plate BAA BAA…
For my black Jeep.
At an interview they asked where I saw myself in five years
I answered: “Well, I think my greatest weakness is my poor listening skills.”
