What did James’s mom say to him when couldn’t make friends in school?
Bond. James bond.
Went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer.
I said – "Definitely not – I play basketball by the rules"
Thanos’ finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.
Apparently only DC movies can do that.
Well I know that. How else could you sell it?
I’ve just handed in my Too weak notice.
How many grams of creamer can I dissolve in a 60°c 330ml water?
…I ran out of there like a bull in a japan shop.
"Well, everything looks great," the employer said. "But I see here there was an 8 year gap since your last job. What happened there?" "Oh, I went to yale," the man told him. "Neat!" The employer responded enthusiastically. "You're hired! You start on Monday." "Yay!" the man exclaimed. "I got a yob!"
He sold his soul to Santa.
I said, “Don’t cry over skilled milf.”
But the thyme is cumin.
I will find you, and I will kill you. edit: no you wont
Me: I'm a Harp Host: Your costume's too small. Me: Are you calling me a Lyre?
Spent the whole day looking up at the giant sculptures , I discovered a new species. Myneckisaur. This is my first dad joke post 🙂
Caveman discovers fire Stone age begins
The attack made headlines.
One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all of the state capitals." One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?" "N," she answered.
The horse-pital Just kidding it gets shot
Let me know if you can't come.
"Can't I just finish the bar I was making for my house?" "No, that would be counter-productive."
Well, if I were to disappoint two people at same time I'd go for a dinner with my parents edit: im sorry everyone for the notification stuff and all. like i mentioned in the comment, i heard this one in the bus, english isn't my native and tried to translate it from my language, i'm not on r/jokes really often, sorry!
Then I'd paint the floor with those red squiggly lines…
Unfortunately she blew it
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!
The bartender said “Hey”, then the horse “you read my mind buddy.”
A shitty joke.
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in the bathroom medicine cabinet, he asked his son about using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10. a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow." Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110. "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"
Like it was yesterday.