What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married?
Feyonce!
Talking to my girlfriend… does this count?
Gf: “I don’t know what you see in me.” Me: “Nothing, I don’t have x-ray vision.” Gf: “You know what I mean.” Me: “Nope. Don’t have telepathy either.”
My boss the cannibal told me that eating people was company policy…
I found it a little hard to swallow.
A man and his wife are fast asleep in bed when the phone rings…
The man picks up, listens for a second and says, 'How the hell would I know, you idiot? I'm not a weatherman,' before slamming down the receiver. 'Who was that?' asks his wife. 'Wrong number. It was some jerk asking if the coast was clear.'
How long does a jousting match last?
Until knight fall.
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it
We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the bathtub drain plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Politicians are like sperm
Only one in a million turn out to be a human being. Edit: I got my first silver. Thank you people <3
Whilst having sex I suddenly stopped & didn’t move
Wife said 'What are you doing?" I said I've seen this online it's called buffering
I proposed to my ex-wife. But she said no.
She believes I'm only after my money.
What’s the difference between a sentence and a cat?
A sentence has a pause at the end of the clause but a cat has claws at the end of its paws
“Dad, is the Fibonacci sequence hard to understand?”
“Nope. It’s as easy as 1,1,2,3.”
atlantis in the bathroom ???
In the bathtub, I always play Atlantis with my belly. But it just doesn't want to go down.
A 3-month pregnant woman into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakens and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they’re fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh, no! Not my brother! He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise. Woman: Oh, well that’s not so bad. What did he name the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
I wanna give a shout out to my fingers…
…I can always count on them!
I have been hinting to my wife that I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she smoothly changes the topic.
Observing student-facilitated genetics presentations, this has been my experience:
https://ift.tt/2XM0qgO
NSFW A boy goes to the zoo with his parents
They're standing at the elephant exhibit when the boy asks his mom: What's that thing hanging down from the elephant? Mom: That's it's trunk. Boy: No, further back. Mom: That's its tail. Boy: No, in between. Mom: Oh, that's nothing. Now run along. The boy is still curious so he walks over to his dad. Boy: Dad, what's that thing hanging down from the elephant? Dad: That's its trunk. Boy: No, further back. Dad: That's its tail. Boy: No, in between. Dad: That's its penis. Boy: Oh, but Mom said it was nothing. Dad: Well, son, you have to realize that your mom is a little spoiled.
My friend is getting rich by taking pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.
It’s like shooting fish in apparel.
The Sunday funny paper is a gold mine for boomer humor. Also, what is it with the big noses?
https://ift.tt/34gMyyz
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
Gloves. Jk, he hasn’t opened it yet.
I heard this girl talking about how much she hates stalkers.
I nearly fell out of my tree.
Did you know crocodiles can grow up to 15 feet?
But most only have 4 🙂
True story: Driving back home, my 5 year old son says “How do you spell ‘penis’?”. My wife looks at me curiously and then asks “Why?”
After a few moments of silence, my son replies "That's it?"
[NSFW] What’s the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?
I've never paid $100 to have a lentil on me.
I have a scary joke about math
But I am 2² to say it.
I was wondering why Music was coming from my printer..
Apparently the paper was Jamming.
Why do nurses always bring red crayons to work?
In case they need to draw blood
Ever since the pandemic started, every morning I proudly announce to my family that I’m going for a jog and then I don’t…
It’s my longest running joke of the year so far…
Dear whoever stole my disc copy of Microsoft office
I will find you. You have my Word.
What did one deer say to the other when leaving the gay bar?
"I must have blown twenty bucks in there."
My son turned 27, so he’s no longer covered by my health insurance.
In other words, his manufacturer's warranty is up.
My boss stormed over and yelled, “What the heck are you doing? Put some backbone into it!”
I hate working at the McDonald's factory…
