What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married?
Gf: “I don’t know what you see in me.” Me: “Nothing, I don’t have x-ray vision.” Gf: “You know what I mean.” Me: “Nope. Don’t have telepathy either.”
I found it a little hard to swallow.
The man picks up, listens for a second and says, 'How the hell would I know, you idiot? I'm not a weatherman,' before slamming down the receiver. 'Who was that?' asks his wife. 'Wrong number. It was some jerk asking if the coast was clear.'
Until knight fall.
We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the bathtub drain plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Only one in a million turn out to be a human being. Edit: I got my first silver. Thank you people <3
Wife said 'What are you doing?" I said I've seen this online it's called buffering
She believes I'm only after my money.
A sentence has a pause at the end of the clause but a cat has claws at the end of its paws
“Nope. It’s as easy as 1,1,2,3.”
In the bathtub, I always play Atlantis with my belly. But it just doesn't want to go down.
A 3-month pregnant woman into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakens and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they’re fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh, no! Not my brother! He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise. Woman: Oh, well that’s not so bad. What did he name the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
…I can always count on them!
But every time I bring it up, she smoothly changes the topic.
They're standing at the elephant exhibit when the boy asks his mom: What's that thing hanging down from the elephant? Mom: That's it's trunk. Boy: No, further back. Mom: That's its tail. Boy: No, in between. Mom: Oh, that's nothing. Now run along. The boy is still curious so he walks over to his dad. Boy: Dad, what's that thing hanging down from the elephant? Dad: That's its trunk. Boy: No, further back. Dad: That's its tail. Boy: No, in between. Dad: That's its penis. Boy: Oh, but Mom said it was nothing. Dad: Well, son, you have to realize that your mom is a little spoiled.
It’s like shooting fish in apparel.
Gloves. Jk, he hasn’t opened it yet.
I nearly fell out of my tree.
But most only have 4 🙂
True story: Driving back home, my 5 year old son says “How do you spell ‘penis’?”. My wife looks at me curiously and then asks “Why?”
After a few moments of silence, my son replies "That's it?"
I've never paid $100 to have a lentil on me.
But I am 2² to say it.
Apparently the paper was Jamming.
In case they need to draw blood
Ever since the pandemic started, every morning I proudly announce to my family that I’m going for a jog and then I don’t…
It’s my longest running joke of the year so far…
I will find you. You have my Word.
"I must have blown twenty bucks in there."
In other words, his manufacturer's warranty is up.
I hate working at the McDonald's factory…