What did one Italian say to another when fighting?
‘You wanna pizza me?’
Whats red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint
North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media.
When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.
My girlfriend isn’t talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday.
….I’m not sure how. I didn’t even know it was her birthday.
A little known fact…
Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home.
I can’t believe that even after 15 years, I would still hear people making “Friends” references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Why do riot cops like to leave early when they go to work?
So they can beat the crowds.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
What’s the most hated vegetable in the world?
Kim Jong Un
I’m writing a mystery novel
No text found
Your penis so small….
That when you put it in a girl her immune system tries to fight it.
When the clerk says “sorry about your wait”, I reply,
"I am too, but it's ok, I've been fat my whole life"
Why can’t Severus Snape be a herbology teacher?
He can’t keep the lilies alive.
I’m sick of people banging on my door and asking my if I have found Jesus
It wasn't my turn to watch him, and to be frank, if you didn't want to lose him you should have used bigger nails.
What exactly is an acorn?
Well, in a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.
I asked a chef if he ever served a steak raw..
He said yeah but it’s rare.
People write “congrats” because
they don't know how to spell congrajlashins.
Hmmm, doesn’t quite work when you’re still standing two foot next to each other.
https://ift.tt/2JK3nIV
Breast Feeding
A man is sitting next to a woman who is trying to breast feed her baby on the bus. The baby refuses to eat and the mother warns, "If you don't eat I'll give it to the man next to me." The baby refuses. After 20 mins the mother repeats the threat. The man clears his throat and says, "Hey woman, you better make up your mind. I was supposed to get off the bus 6 stops ago!"
I have a scary joke about math
But I am 2² to say it.
The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I’d like to masturbate in the cup…
I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs
They always take things literally.
Has anyone elses gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since.
Religion is like a penis.
It's fine to have one and it's fine to be proud of it, but please don't whip it out in public and start waving it around… and PLEASE don't try to shove it down my child's throat.
A big storm pulled my entire back fence out of the ground, I need some help fixing it.
Anybody on this site have experience in reposting?