What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire ?
“Same time next month?”
I recently went to my Mom and Dad’s house for a visit.
There was an old picture hanging on the wall of me and my Brothers. It turns out that when the picture was taken, I was living in a completely different frame of mind.
It’s only kamikaze if it came from the Kamikaze region in Japan…
Otherwise it's just plane suicide.
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you
What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line
Why are we running out of toilet paper?
Cos when 1 person sneezes a 100 people shit themselves.
I’m not complaining, just expressing something most new Web Developers can understand
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To the person that stole my broken bathroom scale,..
You won’t get a weigh with this!
I’d make a Sodium joke but……Na
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A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, ‘Father, may I ask a favour?’
'Of course child. What may I do for you?' ‘Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?' 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.' 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.' When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?' 'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.' The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?' 'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Did you know Paul walker had real bad dandruff before he died?
Nobody else knew until they found his head and shoulders in the glove box.
My son got me good. I build websites for a living. He told me he didn’t like the one I was working on, and I should have let a spider do it.
You know. “Cause spiders are naturally good web designers.”
Husband to wife. ”Why don’t you tell me when you orgasm.”
Wife, “I don’t like calling you at work.”
I haven’t had sex in so long
sometimes I go for a run in flip flops to remember what it sounds like.
I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger
Then it hit me
How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair?
Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.
How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head. ** Edit: Some people PM'd me to tell me they found this offensive. I reread it and I agree. Here is the updated version of the joke: Q. How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning? A. Take your foot off his or her head. Again, I apologize to any feminists out there for my originally posted version.
Did you hear about the band 1023 MB?
They’re good, but they haven’t got a gig yet.
What do you call an emo accapello group?
Self Harmony
I say no to alcohol.
It just doesn’t listen.
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable." "I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?" The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead." Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye." The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet." Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye." Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. "Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between." The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. "Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"
I feel awful because I scolded my son after he gave me my 50th birthday card
But part of me feels justified because one would have been enough
If there’s one thing that makes me throw up.
It’s a dart board on a ceiling.
I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer crash?
Because it had a bad driver! drops mic
So a doctor has sex with one of his patients…
And is feeling pretty down about it. On his left shoulder appears a devil. The devil consoles him saying "Hey man, don't even worry about it. Doctors have sex with their patients all the time. You are definitely not the only one." Then on his right shoulder appears an angel who says "Come on man! You're a vet!!"
I have a friend named Bob
He hates it when I say his name backwards
I received a letter the other day saying my tax return was ‘outstanding’.
Although it's lovely to receive such high praise from HMRC, to be honest I can't even remember sending one in.
What’s the difference between a step stool and a 3D printer?
The former is a latter and the latter is a former.
A roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says…
"Five beers please."
Why can’t you give credit to elbow for bending the arm?
Because it's a Joint effort
A blonde joke
Two blondes are walking down a country road. They come upon a fence along a field. One blonde looks across the field and says "Hey, look at the flock of cows!" Her friend says "HERD of cows, you dolt". And she replies "Of course I've heard of cows, theres a flock of them over there".
The last 4 letters of “queue” aren’t silent
They’re waiting for their turn
Recently got a second job as a bartender at a stripclub.
Ive never worked so hard before in my life.
Bilbo awoke one morning to find that a Tesco supermarket had been built next to his house
That's an unexpected item in the Baggins area!
A guy with wet feet enters a bar
The barman asks : Why are your feet wet? The guy says: I went into the lake to get wood. A second guy enters the bar and is wet from the knees to the toes. The barman asks: Why are you wet? The second guy says: I went into the lake to get wood. A third guy enters the bar and is wet from the hips to the toes. The barman asks: Why are you wet? The third guy says: I went into the lake to get wood. A fourth guy enters the bar and is completly wet. The barman says: I guess you went into the lake to get wood?! The fourth guy says: No. I'm Wood !
Daughter: “Dad, I’m cold.”
Dad: “Go stand in a corner. It’s 90 degrees.”
With the amount of his cronies locked up it seems like he’d let the lock up chant die.
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