What did one oar say to the other oar?
Can I interest you in some rowmance?
What does “kayak” sound like upside down?
"Blblblblblvllgllgl"
Who can drink two litres of Gas?
jerry can.
Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. โThank you for flying with us. The weather is….โ
Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, โOH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!โ Then silence. A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, โIโm terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap…you should see my pants!!โ A voice from the back of the plane yelled, โWhy donโt you come here and see ours?โ
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because itโs cheaper…
Trumpets and Guns
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean strange?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
After 20 years of working on it, I finally finished my physics book.
It was about time.
Despite Brexit, English is set to become the EU official language…
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union, given its majority status in the EU, despite the UK leaving. As part of the final Brexit negotiations, Germany proposed a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". Germany argued that this may make the EU more inviting to the UK in the future. In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
Did you hear about the Dad joke sweeping the globe?
Its called the Groaner virus
In the wake of the coronavirus outbreak…
I bet the people who invented hand sanitiser are rubbing their hands together.
I got food poisoning at a German festival
It was the wurst.
When youโre showing someone your favorite movieโฆ
When youโre showing someone your favorite movieโฆ
I just watched a program about beavers
It was the best dam program I've ever seen
My brother said, โWhat rhymes with Orangeโ
I told him no it doesnโt
Why can’t a nose be longer than 12 inches?
Because then it would be a foot
I cut down a Christmas tree today. My wife asked me if I was going to put it up myself.
I said: โOf course not. I was going to put it up in the living room.โ
What’s the difference between a school bus and a cactus?
A cactus keeps the little pricks on the outside.
Did you hear about the monster that ate a Cessna?
He said it was a little plane
Whats the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but the people in Abu Dhabi dooo!
I finally cut ties with someone who was dragging me down.
Mountain climbing with a friend is hard.
I zipped up my jeans and got my penis caught in the zipper. I painfully shouted out…..
"Username checks out"
Why did the chicken use the crosswalk?
Because it was safer. (Credit to I-80 sign)
If you’re not part of the solution,
you're part of the precipitate.
A really annoying loophole
A bus carrying many people crashed on an icy road, burst into flames, and everyone died. Upon arrival in heaven, God said, "Since you have died in a terrible way, I'll grant you one wish before I let you into heaven." The first woman, being a person always concerned on her looks, comes up to God and says "I wish to be beautiful." God grants her wish. The next person canโt decide on what to wish for, so he ends up wishing for the same thing. At this point a man at the very back of the line starts to laugh. The next couple, seeing how utterly wondrous the two have become, make their wish to become beautiful also, and the man at the end laughs even louder. One after another, the people wish for the same thing. The closer God gets to the end of the line, the harder the man laughs. When God finally reaches him, he asks "What is your wish my son?" The man says, "Make them all ugly again!"
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roaminโ catholic
Bro, can you pass me that pamphlet?
Brochure.
What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?
Shakespeare.
My friend keeps making up imaginary Middle Eastern countries..
I have to remind him what Israel.
A young teenage girl was making a living as a prostitute
and for obvious reasons she kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. "Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old… how do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny… I just remove my dentures and suck em dry!"
My hair is tied up
It's got a lot to do today
I just need dad joke enthusiasts to know that the International Poultry Meat Congress is held in Turkey this year.
http://www.poultrymeatcongress.com
I just finished designing a website for an orphanage
There isn't a home page
On what charge was the guy arrested for rearranging his dinner table?
Dish-orderly conduct.
My girlfriend changed a lot since she became vegan
It's like I have never seen herbivore
There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most." He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?" He asks her "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, lets! But lets change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head."