What did one oar say to the other oar?
Can I interest you in some rowmance?
I used to think all black people had boomboxes.
Turned out it was just a stereo type.
I beat my swimming coach in a boxing fight.
He threw in the towels.
I asked my Aunt”How much is a couple?”
"2 or 3" she replied. Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.
What do Mike and Sulley fill their pens with?
Monsters Ink
My wife told me the kid almost burned the house down
Now i’m really scared of arson
Why can’t you run through a camp ground?
You can only ran, because it's past tents.
The Cringe is strong here “Hey everyone! I’m a programmer and this is a programmer shirt!”
https://ift.tt/36At2xd
What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted
I bought a leather handbag.
Even though I don't own any leather hands.
A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble And he loses all his money. He doesn’t even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, “Get the fuck out of my cab.”
So he walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG. He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver. So, he gets in the first cab. "How much is it to the airport?" He asks. The driver says, "$15" "Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?" The cab driver says, "Get the fuck out of my cab." So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to airport?" "$15" "Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?" And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab. He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip. He asks, "hey how much to the airport?" Driver responds, "$15" The guy hands him $15 and says "great let's go" And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.
Why do cows lie on each other in the rain
To keep each udder dry
Yesterday I confused the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza”.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
My dumbass son thinks there’s the letter F is in the word ‘way’
There’s no F in way.
What do you call a ghosts their parents?
Transparents
Son: D-d-d
Dad: Aw, he is saying his first words. Son: D-dad, I'm fucking 30 and stop making fun of my stutter.
What is the definition of a will?
Come on guys it's a dead giveaway
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position
as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry…we can’t hire you." "But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!" "Really? Great! Show me!" So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking. "Well," said the interviewer, "that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!" "Womanizing? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!" "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?" "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she wont think twice..
Call a girl fat once and she’ll always remember. Because elephants never forget
We imported a tree from Canada.
It's pretty oak, eh.
250 dogs escaped from the SPCA
Police are following a number of leads.
Dont get mad at lazy people
They didn't do anything.
A sheep, a drum and a snake fell down a cliff
Bah-dum tssssssss
Welfare Check:
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi.. You know…., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2019 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well … You started it."
I sleep better naked.
Why can't this flight attendant understand that?
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people
What do you call a row of bunnies walking backwards
A receding hareline
A woman reported one of her coworkers for sexual harassment because he said he liked the way her hair smelled. The HR rep said that it wasn’t sexual harassment.
The woman replied, "But it was the midget".
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spices.
I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
i just heard that oxygen and magnesium are together
i was like OMg
I never thought I’d qualify for the Nudist Olympics.
But I barely made it.
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind it's tearable.