What did one plate say to the other plate?
Dinner is on me!
I caught a really bad case of the flu in Madrid.
Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help. "Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!" The doctor strolled into the room within seconds, and whilst I stuttered and tried to comprehend the situation, he gave me some medicine to ease the symptoms. When I finally stammered out "h…how does the hotel have their own doctor on call?", he simply shook his head and cracked a smile, and replied: "Nobody expects the Spanish inn physician."
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”
Inside the mind of an HR representative: You’ve worked at 4 different companies, so why can’t you stay longer at one job? (He is definitely unfaithful) OR You worked at one company for 8 years, why did you leave? (He left the company he worked at for 8 years, so he can leave our company too)
Inside the mind of an HR representative:
You’ve worked at 4 different companies, so why can’t you stay longer at one job? (He is definitely unfaithful)
OR
You worked at one company for 8 years, why did you leave? (He left the company he worked at for 8 years, so he can leave our company too)
Why did the super villain cross the road?
To get to the other sidekick.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you…
You have my Word.
As I regained consciousness from last nights car crash.
The Doctors were trying to convince me, I'm actually a Swedish bloke who had forgotten his identity… But I wasn't Bjorn yesterday!
Why should you leave the restroom if someone walks in playing Pokemon Go?
Because they might be trying to catch a pikachu.
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses.
She drinks right out of the bottle.
She lived in a houseboat
Swans listened to her rock and roll
I’m beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn’t actually staffed
Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
On Monday morning, the teacher walked to the blackboard and noticed…
someone had written the word “penis” in tiny letters. She turned around, but couldn’t find the guilty face. She quickly erased it and began her class. Tuesday, she was again greeted with “penis” on the blackboard, written in larger letters. She looked around in vain for the culprit, and then proceeded with the day’s lesson. Every morning for the rest of the week, “penis” was written on the board in larger and larger letters, and each time, the teacher furiously erased it. By Friday, she’d had enough. “That’s enough,” she sputtered. “I — I can’t believe this! Monday morning, I expect an explanation for this behavior!” On Monday morning, the teacher confidently entered the classroom and found on the board: “Don’t you know — the more you rub it, the bigger it gets?”
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers. Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
Without a mask on, I shopped at a store that had a strict mask policy.
Before leaving, I asked the security guard why he let me shop without a cover and he said that Halloween masks are acceptable too. :_(
Just heard someone bragging about their one night stand
Well I've got two night stands and a double bed
Man sat on a towel on a beach. He had no arms or legs.
3 Women walked past & felt sorry for him. First one said "You ever had a hug?" He said "No" so she hugged him & walked on. The second woman said "You ever had a kiss?" He said "No" so she kissed him & walked on. Third said "You ever been fucked?" He said "No" as his eyes lit up… she said "You will be when the tide comes in."
My dad’s favourite joke. Mine too.
There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years with peculiar experiments on spiders. After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let the community know he and was to host a live show to demonstrate his findings. At the event hundreds were there more out of curiosity than anything as the details of the findings were kept secret. The man himself wandered on stage and silenced the murmurs. 'Today I will demonstrate two things. The first being that spiders can understand and respond to basic commands.' The crowd laughed and jeered but undeterred he opened a box on his desk and a spider crawled out. 'Spider, walk left' The spider moved to its left. The crowd was silenced. 'Spider, move right.' The spider moved right. The crowd gasped. Forward, backward, the spider responded again and again. The crowd applauded in awe. The scientist then removed all of the spider's legs. The crowd, confused by this, watched in silence. 'Move left' The spider didn't move. 'Move right' Nothing. Forward, backward, no response. 'This is to demonstrate my second finding. Once you remove a spider's legs, it goes deaf.'
A man is having trouble with a crossword puzzle, and asks his wife for help
"What's another word for an overloaded mailman? 16 across". "How many letters?", she replies. "Thousands I'd imagine."
Having sex is like playing bridge
If you dont have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
My family is furious at me for implying my Sister in an idiot for not vaccinating her child…
I suppose the funeral wasn’t the right place to say it.
There’s a company that will help you temporarily find memories you’ve lost, for a fee.
Just visit Rent-A-Missing Reminiscing!
What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland?
Well, the flag is a big plus.
What do you call a butt plug being used by a guy?
A manhole cover
A teenager, who just turned 18, desperately wants a car.
His mother tells him to buy one himself. A chemistry student himself, he finds an effective money-making strategy. Every day, he would sell mixtures of Rhenium, Phosphorus, Osmium, and Tennssine, and he was earning a lot from the sales. Curious, his mother asks him about the mixtures. The teen replied: RePOsTs are the fastest way to car, Ma.
Why was the horse good at business?
Because it had a stable economy.