What did Santa say when he caught an elf stealing toys?
don't be elfish!
Me: That's when I went to Yale. Interviewer: Thats pretty impressive. You're hired. Me: Thank you, I really need this Yob.
We all know who’s making that decision
it's the thot that counts.
Call a girl fat once and she’ll always remember. Because elephants never forget Edit: Thanks for the upvotes, I needed this for a challenge on r/ModMurder
There haven't been any posts all year! australia squad
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
A chicken pie in jamaica costs £2.00 A chicken pie in trinidad costs £2.15 A chicken pie in st kitts costs. £2.30
These are the pie-rates of the carribean
So I suggested Kay and Elle.
Your eyes, cause they dilate
You knock on the door.
"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue'. "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
Because people are dying to get in! (My dad told me this one when we drove past a cemetery one day lol)
It only takes one nail to get the picture of Jesus up and hanging
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender
She seemed surprised…
A young man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess”.
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The young man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again the young man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Next the frog yells, "Okay okay, If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you FOREVER and do ANYTHING you want." Again the young man took the frog out, then he chuckled at it and put it back in his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you forever, and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The young man said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
It went back four seconds
They kept me off the streets
In Google Docs.
it’s the women that make it hard
A Red Cross worker is cold calling people for donations and comes across a lawyer where records shows he makes $500k+ a year and hasn’t made a single charitable donation. So the Red Cross worker calls the lawyer and asks if he’d like to donate. The lawyer says “no “,thank you.” The Red Cross worker replies, “well, my records show that you make over half a million a year and haven’t made a single charitable donation so why can’t you help us out? I’m sure you can afford at least a small donation…” and the lawyer replies “oh really, well do your records tell you about my brother who served in the war and is in a coma with extremely expensive hospital bills? Or what about my mother? Do they tell you about how she’s sick with even more expensive hospital bills year after year?” At this point the Red Cross worker is very embarrassed and says “I’m sorry sir, I had no idea.” And the lawyer goes “so if I’m not helping them out what makes you think I’d help you out?”
The first was called John and the second was called Jack. They were extremely hungry and thirsty. In the distance, they saw a mosque gleaming in the middle of no where. John suggested to go and pay the mosque's Imam a visit and ask for some food and water. Jack agreed but suggested to change their names to islamic ones so that the Imam would agree to feed them. John: That is pointless and deceiving. We should introduce ourselves with our real names. Jack: No, or else they won't feed us. From now on call me Mohammed. They made their way to the mosque and met the Imam and told him about their despair. The Imam told John: We have a room filled with food and water. As for you Mohammed, have a blessed Ramadan.
Because a moon rock is a little meteor
I’m not joking, but he is.
"Mind if I give the melons a squeeze?" he asks. "Go right ahead!" the fruit lady replies, handing him one. He gives it a good few squeezes, more than necessary. A bit impatient, the fruit lady assures him: "That's ripe!" "No, it's not!" the Aussie replies, dropping the melon in disgust. "You gave me consent!"
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
But none of them work.
A vicious circle.
i don’t know why everyone thought 73-year-old Bernie Sanders was too old to run for president four years ago…
…after all, he was in his prime.
Every Dad: Woah didn’t see ya there
An NSFW tag
… I didn’t like it at first.
And every now and again I would take him out for a drag.
Is the day they make a vacuum cleaner.
There was no chemistry
He's all right now.