What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?
I cant seem to find a parking spot
at the ol factory
I’ve decided I’m dressing in a costume for Christmas. I’m going to wear a fleece jacket, show off pictures of kids and carry a GPS navigation unit. I’m going as……
FLEECE NAVI-DAD Edit: SILVER? Thank you kind redditor!
She replied, "Aisle B, back!"
He walks up to the front desk and introduces himself. "Hello, I identify as a chocolate bar. Can I join?" The receptionist replies "Sir, that's disgraceful! You're mocking the community. We're going to have to ask you to leave." "You can't call me sir!" The man exclaims. "I use her/shey pronouns."
At the border, the French customs agent asks him “Name?” “Hans Mueller.” “Place of residence?” “Munich.” “Occupation?” “No, just vacation this time.”
Nothing, they were stuck up cunts
Little Johnny and his parents decided to spent the day at the beach. He goes off to play in the sand only to return a few moments later. "Mom why are some women's breasts bigger than others?" To which his mom replied. "The women with bigger breasts are more silly" satisfied with this answer he goes off to play for a while longer. Later the boy asks why some men's penises are bigger than others, his mom tells him "Men with bigger penises are dumber" once again content Johnny goes off to play again. A while later he returns with a grin on his face and tells his mom, "Hey Mom Dad is talking to the silliest girl here and he just keeps getting dumber and dumber"
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…
I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me. I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."
With little Caesars (Seezors)
Because you can’t C in the dark
Dad: No, I’m gay Dad. Dad #2: No, I’m gay dad.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
He is probably going to face time
It was Motherfucking Gold.
He is now called winnie the flu
…where he finds an old chief who claims that he remembers everything that has ever happened in his life. The tourist is curious and asks the chief "What did you have for breakfast on your 5th birthday?" Without hesitation the chief replies "eggs". Impressed, he continues his vacation and returns home. Ten years later, he returns to the reservation and is surprised to see the same old chief again. He approaches the chief, puts his hand up flat and greets him with "how". The old chief simply replies "scrambled".
Vikings arrived and began a settlement with help from their Irish thralls. But they weren't alone. All manner of otherworldly beings lurked in the island's hidden corners. The Vikings called these beings vættir; the Gaels called them Aes Sídhe. Among these beings were the selkies who frolicked at outcroppings on the shore. These creatures looked like seals in the water, but they shed their hides on land to reveal beautiful human forms underneath. The Norse chieftain Valbrand saw the prettiest female selkie, whose name was Eyfridh, and decided he wanted her for himself. As Eyfridh slept on the beach at the edge of the forest, Valbrand snatched her sealskin and bundled it into a hidden bag. When she awoke, she saw that she couldn't return to the water, and she had no choice but to go home with the powerful chieftain before her. They got married and had a son, who they named Asgeir. This son grew into a strapping young lad, but he noticed that his mother was never happy. She would sit on a rock at the beach and gaze longingly toward the horizon. Asgeir wondered why she was so forlorn, not realizing that she pined for her old home. During her captivity, Eyfridh's only friend was a woman named Ginna, who regularly came down from the forest to keep Eyfridh company on the beach. Ginna was another of the island's mystical beings. From the front, she was every bit as lovely as Eyfridh. But when Ginna turned around to return to the woods, Eyfridh saw a furry tail swishing behind her and a back as hollow as a dead tree. Eyfridh decided to ask about this, and Ginna explained that she was a type of vættir called a huldra. During this conversation, Eyfridh let slip that she herself wasn't human, and that Valbrand had captured her from the sea. Ginna was horrified at this. The next day, while the chieftain was leading a raid on a nearby island, Ginna slipped into his longhouse and observed the exact nook where Valbrand had hidden the sealskin. She reported this to Eyfridh, who vanished that night and was never seen again. The boy Asgeir missed his mother from then on, but he hoped she was somewhere that she could be happier. Years later, when Asgeir was a man, he ventured through the forest and met Ginna. As a supernatural creature of the wild, the huldra had not aged a day, and she noted that Asgeir looked remarkably similar to her old friend Eyfridh. He explained that that was his mother, and asked if Ginna had any idea where Eyfridh had gone. Ginna explained that Eyfridh was a selkie who Valbrand had kidnapped and who had run away to return to her old home. Asgeir was shocked that his father would do something so cruel, but now he had context for why his mother had always been so sad. He took further comfort in knowing that she was indeed happier now. Upon returning home, Asgeir realised that he'd taken a liking to the ethereally beautiful being he'd met. But he was concerned about wooing her because he didn't want to wrench her from her home like Valbrand had done to Eyfridh. Asgeir decided to go about courting Ginna more respectfully. He brought lunch to a clearing in the woods and called Ginna over to dine with him. That date went well, so they continued their courtship every day at noon. Eventually, they'd grown comfortable enough with each other that Asgeir invited Ginna to spend the night at the chieftain's longhouse. At supper, it took all of Ginna's self-control not to throttle the ageing chieftain Valbrand for what he'd done to her friend, but she stayed her hand because killing him would give Asgeir and the other mortals too much trouble. Several years later, Asgeir and Ginna married and had a child of their own together, a daughter named Ingileif who strongly resembled her mother. Ingileif's parents never told her about her supernatural heritage. But Valbrand's thralls who cared for the girl passed down legends of the vættir and Aes Sídhe until the old chieftain died and Asgeir freed all his father's thralls. Eventually, once Ingileif had grown and Asgeir himself was beginning to age, he took his daughter to the shore and introduced her to her grandmother Eyfridh. "Hello again, Mother," Asgeir called out to the sea. "I have grown now!" A seal swam to the beach and shed its skin to reveal a human form. Looking on in amazement, Ingileif excitedly cried, "It's a selkie! The stories were true!" Having never met Ingileif before, Eyfridh initially thought she was looking at her old friend Ginna. "How do you not recognise me?…Wait a minute, you are Ginna the hollow-backed huldra, right?" Puzzled, Ingileif turned to her father and declared: "This Sídhe is bananas, I ain't no hollow back girl!"
Today, I lost my job as a bus driver.
She seemed surprised…
Aye matey! Courtesy of a 7 year old in my class.
and let my girlfriend know I’m not into this fetish.
It’s not much, but it’s a rewarding job
It's all fingering.
He said: “It says here that you should be wearing glasses." I said: “Well, I have contacts." The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
After a couple hours, the guard on duty steps away to use the bathroom. The one prisoner says: "Quick, this is our chance to escape. We only have a few minutes so have to work together. You rip bedsheets into strips and I'll tie them into a rope, then we can climb down through the window. The other agrees, "Got it. I sheet, you knot."
…but I don’t believe him…