What did the chemist say when he dropped a bar of gold on his foot?
Au!
Girl: come over
Guy: I’m coming over Girl: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over
I’ve been looking for my ex girlfriend’s killer for the past two years.
But nobody will do it.
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $1.98, deer nuts are under a buck.
A mother is cooking dinner when she hears her son come back from school…
"How was you English test today?" She asked "It was easy except I had trouble on this one difficult question" "What did it ask?" The mother replied "It asked for the past tense of think" "What did you answer it as?" The mother says. "I couldn't really figure it out. I thought and thought and thought and thought, and I finally wrote thunk"
To the person who stole my glasses IM WARNING YOU!!
I have contacts
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
I’m not going to spread it!
Guy gets accidentally shot by the celebratory fire for his release from prison
https://ift.tt/2VvYDMp
They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better.
But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.
No I don’t want to play who can act like a cat the longest….
No I don’t want to play who can act like a cat the longest….
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in your Jeans.
I, for one, like roman numerals.
No text found
What do you call a dinosaur fart ?
A blast from the past
I bought some toothpaste.
It's not your typical food sauce
I don’t mean to brag… but my Christmas wrapping is art. I wrap presents like it’s an extension of my soul.
It just so happens my soul is twisted, torn, and barely held together with tape.
I was talking with fiance out getting married and he said he wasn’t excited about being called husbands.
But he though that wife had a nice ring to it.
I’m glad I’m good at making musical puns
Otherwise I'd have some pretty dim innuendos.
What is the first rule of stealing someones shoes.
Pick on someone your own size.
A lion never cheats on their wife
But a Tiger Wood.
Wife: “Honey, I’m Pregnant.”
Husband: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad" Wife: "No you're not…."
I saw Santa following me around in the mall, and I asked him why.
He said, “Christmas stalking.”
Having gay parents must be horrible
You either get twice the amount of dad jokes or you get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mom." Edit: On another Sub someone called me a homophobe. I want to say I'm not a homophobe it was simply a light hearted joke. I'm gay myself and wouldn't want to create hate or controversy. So sorry if I offended anyone. Edit 2: Thanks for giving me my first award. Edit 3: if you have heard it else where then fine Like this one guy in the comments said "I’ve seen it a few times but no doubt many people haven’t. No reason a good joke can’t be posted bc someone’s posted it in the past."
Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter pistol?
Police think it is race-related
Justice is best served cold.
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: "Efficient."
Did you know that diarrhea is genetic?
It runs in your jeans
A man is driving home from work when his wife calls him on his cell phone.
“Phil!” She shouts in panic, “Please be careful! I just heard that some lunatic is driving the wrong way on the highway.” “You won’t believe it, Doris,” he replies. “It’s not just one car; it’s hundreds of them!”
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring
I am okay but, I think I dyed a little inside
A woman was sobbing on the side of the street because she had accidentally locked her keys in her car,
a passing soldier saw this and assured her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens……. "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?" "Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my khakis."
My dad told me this one.
"All this LGBTQ shit is getting out of control. It wasn't like this when I was a little girl."
How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
It’s not hard
What is a porn stars favourite drink?
7-up in cider
What’s the opposite of isolate?
Yousoearly.
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.
After that, we never played Monopoly again.
They ask me if it’s pronounced “NEE-a-list” or “NIGH-a-list.”
I tell them it doesn't really matter.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I said, I don't hate your relatives, in fact, I like your mother in law a lot more than I like mine
Why is dark spelled with a K and not a C?
Because you can’t see in the dark…
My son asked me if I peeked at my presents early this year…
I told him that I had Clausible deniability.
I wish I was taller…
Then I could sleep longer.
I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words to me just before he died…
“Are you still holding the ladder!?”