What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna 1, Anna 2
I dreamed I saw a color I never saw before
It was just a pigment of my imagination.
Did you know the first French Fries weren’t cooked in France?
They were actually cooked in Greece
Have you ever heard of virtual bubble wrap?
pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop
BREAKING: North Korean leader in a vegetative state following surgery.
They've begun calling him Kim Jong Un-Responsive
She couldn’t stay away from her granddaughter anymore. This was her solution.
https://ift.tt/2XXVpnO
My son told me that he’s afraid of the 25th letter of the alphabet
I asked him why but he just kept screaming
What is it called when your parachute doesn’t open?
Jumping to a conclusion.
What’s up with the dark jokes subreddit?
I don't see anything funny there.
My friend hit me with a full bottle of Coke…
But it didn't hurt, because it was a soft drink!
A man is washing his car with his son.
His son looks at him and says, “Dad…Why can’t you use a sponge?”
My brother couldn’t pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused…
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia…
Cop: Sit on that chair,so we can interrogate you.
Lawyer : (whispering) Deny everything. Me : This isn't a chair.
All of my friends have such expansive bucket lists.
Mine is just a little pail in comparison.
Ok,so if corona virus isn’t about beer,
Why do I keep hearing about cases of it?
Little Suzie walks in on her parents having sex.
She's told to wait downstairs. Her mother comes down first and tries to console her. Mommy, what were you doing to daddy? Well sweetheart, you know how your father's a little overweight? Every day I bounce up and down on top of him to let some of the air out. The little girl starts laughing. What's so funny hunny? You're wasting your time mommy. Every day when you go to work, the neighbor comes over and blows him right back up!
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.
She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself." Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do…he's in too far."
Spicy Marriage
I relabeled all of the jars in my wife's spice rack. I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is a cumin.
What did the cannibal’s wife do when he came home late for dinner?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
What is red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint
I love playing catch with my kids.
But after I dropped one we have to use a ball now.
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it's cheaper.
I’m beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn’t actually staffed
Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
My heart sank as I came home from work and saw the plumber’s van parked in our drive
Thankfully though, he was just in there fucking the wife and there was no expensive leak.
How does a Jewish man make coffee?
Hebrews it.
A man enters a pun contest
He sent in ten puns, hoping at least one would win, but sadly, no pun in ten did.
Why did the vegetarian fail his exam?
There were too many missed stakes
I met a woman who said she was a huge Monkees fan
She told me she had collected every piece of merchandise ever made for the band. I was skeptical. Then I saw her place…
A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup.
Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?” The patient replies: “No. I’m afraid to.”
Relationships are a lot like algebra….
You look at your X and wonder Y.
The policeman despair when telling the lady to go home is both funny and sad.
https://ift.tt/2UpesFh
What’s the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language
If two vegans get in a fight,
is it still considered a beef?
I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to do 34.5
She asked "what's that?" I said "it's like 69 but you do all the work"
What does a moth eat when it wants Asian food?
https://ift.tt/2yzrXqx
My roommate tried to keep two crows in our apartment as pets.
The cops arrested him for attempted murder.
“Push harder” I shouted at my wife while she was in labor…
"Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor. "Screw you" she screamed back at me. Bit harsh I thought…… it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital!
In the English language, the word “pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis” has the most number of syllables at 19.
This narrowly beats out the runner-up, "Gloria" (18 syllables). Source: Catholic Exchange Note: full disclosure, I heard this absolutely glorious (hah!) joke years ago, but when I was retelling it earlier thought of another way to set it up. It's just a grand coincidence that that word in the OP I can barely understand had only one more syllable than "Gloria".
The year is 1939, and the USSR is invading Finland.
The Soviet army is marching through the Finnish swamps when they hear shouting from the other side of a nearby hill: "I bet one Finn can beat ten Soviets!" The Soviet officer laughs at this and sends ten of his best soldiers to deal with this guy. After a couple of minutes of shooting they hear the voice again: "I bet one Finn can beat a hundred Soviets!" The officer, now enraged, sends a hundred soldiers to silence this cocky Finn. A few minutes of shooting and screaming later, the voice shouts again: "I bet one Finn can beat a thousand Soviets!" The officer is now absolutely furious with this enemy, but knows that nobody could possibly beat 1000 soldiers alone, so he accepts the challenge once more and sends 1000 of his men. Nearly 15 minutes of shooting, screaming, and bright flashes later, a lone Soviet soldier comes crawling back over the hill with severe burns, covered in blood and half of his leg mangled. Panicked, he yells to his comrades: "Don't go up there! It's a trap! There are actually two of them!"
A few days ago I learnt what confirmation bias meant.
Now I see it everywhere.