What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna 1 Anna 2
I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words to me just before he died…
“Are you still holding the ladder!?”
Trying to write some clean jokes about bowling balls
but they keep ending up in the gutter.
Story of my life…
I am deeply disturbed by this one
You know, my hen counts her own eggs…
She’s a mathemachicken
why does my code always look so shitty compared to code written by big companies :c
Just bought a thesaurus and got home to find out the pages are all blank!
I have no words to describe how angry I am…
Reported from r/dankmemes and I thought it would be cool here
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2. But the real question is, how did they get in there?
Haha. Simple man
I’ve seen this one before!
A homeless man meets a rich man on Christmas Eve.
The homeless man asks the rich man, "What'd ya get for your wife this year?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Tesla." The homelesa man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them." The homeless man nods. The rich man proceeds to ask him, "Well, what did you get your wife this year?" The homeless man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo." The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The homeless man proudly reponds, "Well, if she don't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself."
What’s that big yellow thing in the sky???
Here’s some advice for all men
If you get a boner in public, point up at the sky and shout "OH FUCK LOOK OVER THERE!" It's all about the missed erection
I broke my only hole puncher today
Now I've got two half punchers
Roses are black, violets are black
I suck at gardening
Mr. Steal yo job, coming to where a co-worker was last week…
is this even
The opportunity of a lifetime
An engineer and a mathematician.
An engineer wakes up and realizes his bed is on fire. He spots a sink and a bucket, so he goes to the sink, fills the bucket, and douses the fire before going back to sleep. A mathematician wakes up to find his bed is on fire. He spots the sink and the bucket and then goes to sleep satisfied because he knows the solution exists.
Careful!!! that burn can lead you to bankruptcy
How do planets clean themselves?
They take a meteor shower! ☄️
If Wonder Woman walks around aimlessly, she is
Comments? Who needs them?
I have a friend named Bob
He hates it when I say his name backwards
My 8 year old came home from school and told me she had a test that day.
Me: Oh yeah, what was it on? Her: Paper. I was so proud.
I asked my son if he saw the newspaper…
Instead he pulls out his tablet, opens the news app, and calls me old school, "tablets are the way to go nowadays' he says. Damn fly never stood a chance
It’s suppose to be funny
Should we tell em
Smaller babies are always delivered by stork…
…but the heavier ones need to be delivered by crane…
Wait for me honey, I’m just finishing my make-up.
You don’t need make-up. Aww, that is so sweet of you! You need plastic surgery.
Ahaaa…uh oh, not again
I have a few jokes on unemployed people
But none of them work.
Someone tell Charlie that kids don’t talk like this
Debugging at its finest
What did the duck say when she bought a lipstick?
Put it on my bill!!
Why did the banana company fire the truck driver?
He drove them nuts.
What kind of fur do you get from a werewolf?
As fur away as you can get.
Where did covid 19 take his son?
Do you support a 3 day work week?
Everything you need to know about Australia
I REALLY hope these are true These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!) __________________________________________________ Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK). A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die. __________________________________________________ Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA ) A:Depends how much you've been drinking. __________________________________________________ Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden ) A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water. __________________________________________________ Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK ) A: What did your last slave die of? __________________________________________________ Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA ) A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe . Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not … Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked. __________________________________________________ Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA ) A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions. _________________________________________________ Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK ) A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do… __________________________________________________ Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA ) A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked. __________________________________________________ Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK ) A: You are a British politician, right? __________________________________________________ Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany ) A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal. __________________________________________________ Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA ) A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets. __________________________________________________ Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA ) A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking. __________________________________________________ Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA ) A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather. __________________________________________________ Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France ) A: Only at Christmas. __________________________________________________ Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA ) A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
Due to quarantine…
I’ll only be telling inside jokes.
I caught a really bad case of the flu in Madrid.
Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help. "Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!" The doctor strolled into the room within seconds, and whilst I stuttered and tried to comprehend the situation, he gave me some medicine to ease the symptoms. When I finally stammered out "h…how does the hotel have their own doctor on call?", he simply shook his head and cracked a smile, and replied: "Nobody expects the Spanish inn physician."
Why are there fences around graveyards?
Cause people are dying to get in
When I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson, he looked quizzically at me and said, “But your name is Brian…”
I exclaimed, “I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson!"
[OC] Why shouldn’t you mention hair or skin while wearing deodorant?
The deodorant gets up in arms over them.
Protestors say statue tripped and fell into water
It just works ! No time to wonder
While Trump goes off the rails about Russians helping Sanders lets not forget.
I went for a job interview the other day.
They asked, "Can you perform under pressure?" I said, "No, but I can perform Bohemian Rhapsody."
If your house doesn’t have house numbers on it,
you need to address that situation.
Have you heard of that new band 1023MB?
They're good but they haven't got a gig yet.
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
He doesn't like to be spotted.
I’m Copying Tom Scott
This Post has a Score of 148
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today
Should have cooked it at aloha temperature
ups is the worst isp ever
How did the farmer find his daughter?
I was in a long McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.
“Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own. The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness. When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too. Now she has to go back to the end of the line to start all over. Don't honk your horn at old people.
If you get into a pillow fight with death…
Be prepared for the reaper cushions.
What’s the difference between a boner and a bonus?
Your wife will never refuse an opportunity to blow your bonus.
E L O N G A T E D T A B L E
From a book I found at my grandparents, apparently it’s hilarious.