What did the egg say to the boiling water?
It’s gonna take me a while to get hard, I just got laid by this chick
Dad, what does doubting mean?
Son: Dad, what does doubting mean? Dad: Hmmm… I'll give you a practical example: who do you love more? Daddy or Mommy? Son: answers without hesitation Mommy Dad: ಠ_ಠ Then go ask her! She will explain! Don't bother me I aint got no time to waste!
My son said he wanted to become a pyromancer.
I told him it's much easier to woo a cake.
Sauron is a great name.
It has a nice ring to it.
Roses are red, Cellos are brown
Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down 😉
Bro, do you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
Bouncer: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
“Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!”
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. 3/5 of my tickets are bogus!
This morning I got on the scales to weigh myself…
my wife walked by and I sucked in my gut, she said "That won't help" I said "Yes it will, now I can see the numbers"
PEOPLE THERE IS STILL A PANDEMIC!!!
Only 25 looters per store please.
The teacher asks a boy if he remembered the chemical formula of water, which she told them yesterday.
He replied “ H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O! H to O!
Why do people carry umbrellas?
Because umbrellas can't walk.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 ate(8) 9. But why did 7 eat 9? Because you have to eat 3 squared meals a day.
A T-Rex walks into a vegan restaurant and is greeted by a girl who said she knew him.
He had never met herbivore.
Oral sex using telekinesis
Mind blowing
A man goes into a restaurant. He has a seat at a booth and opens a menu to find out that none of the foods have prices next to them.
He asks the waiter, “How much is the Fettuccine Alfredo?” The waiter says, “A penny.” The man exclaims, “A penny? How much for a steak?” The waiter says, “A nickel.” The man is astonished. “Are you serious? Where’s the man who owns this place? I’d like to shake his hand!” The waiter answers, “He’s upstairs with my wife.” Confused, the man asks, “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?” The waiter smiles and says, “The same thing I’m doing down here to his business.”
Of course, none of the Martians will be considered in our land claims.
Of course, none of the Martians will be considered in our land claims.
“I’ve just had the worst time” the boy said.
"First I had angina pectoris, and then arteriosclerosis. As I was recovering, I got psoriasis. Hypodermics was followed by tonsillitis, and lastly they gave me appendectomy." "Wow!" said his friends."How did you survive?" "I don't know" said the boy. "Toughest spelling test I've ever had"
Is the Viagra I’ve been sold fake?
As it stands, no.
A paedophile goings into a florist and says “I’d like to order some flowers”
“Orchids?” asks the florist “No, just the flowers” he replied
Entertainment night at the senior home
It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Centre. After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show -Claude the Hypnotist! Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude. The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch," said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. "It's a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations," said Claude. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "WATCH THE WATCH — WATCH THE WATCH —- WATCH THE WATCH." The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. They were hypnotised. And then suddenly, the chain broke! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact. "SHIT," said Claude. It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens Centre. Claude was never invited there again
I’m debating whether to write “YES” on my left hand and “NO” on my right hand.
I mean, on the one hand, yes, but on the other hand, no.
Why is it easy to come up with nicknames for a tree?
Because they stick. I came up with this one, I hope it's good cause it's my only achievement in life.
Three married men are complaining about their wives.
The first one says: I only get laid on my birthday and holidays! It really sucks, man. The second one laments: I don’t even get that! I don’t even remember the last time I got laid. They turn to the third one and ask: John, how about you? John scratches his head and says: Me? I get laid almost everyday. The first two are dumbfounded. ALMOST EVERY DAY? They ask. John says: Yeah. Almost on Monday. Almost on Tuesday. Almost on Wednesday….
I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal
Elongate would be really drawn out.
I went out with my girlfriend to a fancy restaurant last night and after we’d eaten she kept insisting on paying for the meal.
I said, "Don't be stupid, we're half way down the road now. Just keep running!!'
You know you’re a spoilt child.
When you get an early Christmas present in January.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
A depresso
What do you call a colour that doesn’t exist?
A pigment of your imagination
I just got accepted into the most popular anger management group.
It’s all the rage.
An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.
They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?” The Irish man – not wanting to be out witted by the other two men – looks over at his wife and says “Could you pass me the milk ye fucking cow?”
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.”
i lost my mood ring this morning
i don’t really know how to feel about that
I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.
"Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."