What did the egg say to the boiling water?
It’s gonna take me a while to get hard, I just got laid by this chick
I'm fine – i only suffered super fish oil injuries
Cause people are dying to get in.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
At first I just wasn’t putting in enough shifts, then I couldn’t keep the space clean and finally I lost control
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!” He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?” He said, “Yes.” I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?” He said, “A Christian.” I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?” He said, “Protestant.” I said, “Me, too! What franchise?” He said, “Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?” He said, “Northern Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.” I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.
They each have 2 days to do it and whoever finds a rabbit the fastest wins. First, the FBI go in. They go in with the latest and greatest rabbit locating equipment, and it’s clear that they have prepared for a while. They come back after two days with a rabbit in hand. Next, the CIA go in. Their equipment is not as great as the FBI’s but they still look very prepared. After two days, upon finding no rabbits, they conclude that there is no rabbit, there never was, and everybody was lying to them from the start. Finally, the KGB go in. Everyone is afraid for them, as they are going in with nothing but a couple traps and a baseball bat. However, to everyone’s surprise, two days later, the KGB come out with a bear, who is bloody and bruised. One of the members pokes the bear in the stomach and the bear starts screaming, “I AM A RABBIT!”
Because it's white and settles on their land.
Anybody on this site have experience in reposting?
It doesn't last long for fat people.
Her: It’s Hume. Me: Sorry, whom is your favorite philosopher?
It had a really hard time choo choo chooing it’s food.
He's a small medium at large
He asked them who the best composer was and didn’t like their answer.
You can only stare at them for a few seconds . But if you put sunglasses on, you can stare at them all you want.
Well, the flag is a big plus.
He couldn't handle any more hare-racing adventures
all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinals that he had some good news and some bad news. The bad news was that the Pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was have sex. Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally, they went to the Pope with the doctor and explained the situation. After some thought, the Pope stated, “I agree, but under four conditions.” The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over the noise a single voice asked, “And what are the four conditions?” The room stilled. There was a long pause. The Pope replied, “First, the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see who she is having sex with. Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear who she is having sex with. And third, she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out who she is having sex with, she can tell no one.” After another long pause a voice arose and asked, “And the fourth condition?” The Pope replied, “Big tits.”
He is fine. He woke up
Which means no one can cross the finish line.
Did you know that the secret service can no longer yell “Get Down!” when the president is in danger?
Now they have to say, “Donald, Duck!”
Should have put the oven on aloha setting!
Asked if we had chicken? I replied, “no, black Betty It’s ham or lamb.”
Oddly enough, it's even. But even so, it's still an odd concept.
I don't have the coronavirus
Now I have stable wifi
He’s going through a lot of crap right now.
Pun in, ten dead.
He had nerfs of steel
Me- Sure, but why so many people? Dad- The DVD says it is only for 18+ viewers.
He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an orthodox jew sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that jew over there!" The nazi turns to the jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. Somewhat miffed the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says "A round of your sweetest wine for everyone here except that jew!" Once again while everyone is cheering he turns back to the Jew grinning evilly but is shocked to see the jew still smiling warmly and even inclined his head in the Nazis direction. The Nazi turns to bartender and says as loud as he could through gritted teeth "A bottle of your most expensive drink for everyone in this bar except for that Jew". The Nazi satisfied turns around chuckling to himself and freezes gobsmacked seeing the jew smiling broadly at him and waving. Furiously the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says "What the hell is wrong with that Jew? Is he crazy or just plain stupid?" The bartender replies "Neither. He's the owner of the bar"