What did the farmer do when he lost his wife?
He tractored down.
Why did the submarine captain keep a barrel of potatoes in his room?
There was nothing in the world he loved more than eyes.
Mountains aren’t just funny…
They’re hill areas.
Some people are like Slinkies.
Not all that useful but fun to push down the stairs.
Wanna know how we knew communism was doomed from the start?
Because of all the red flags.
How do you get a Redditor to click a post?
No text found
Why can’t Severus Snape be a herbology teacher?
He can’t keep the lilies alive.
What do you call a hippie’s wife?
A Mississippi.
A Canadian asks an American to watch a movie together.
American: Have you seen the Titanic? Canadian: What's that about? American: Yes it was. A huge one that sank.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in france?
There was nothing but de brie.
I’ve got 99 problems.
My math teacher is a bastard.
At midnight it will officially be Ramones time.
2020, 24 hours to go…
I’ve got two kids, jane and emma, they get bullied at school.
I can't make it stop but i can help them rise above it. The other day i said to them, “Look, boys…”
What do you call a company that replants fields of grass using cropduster airplanes?
A re-seeding airline…
Hi everyone 24(F) here
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
What did Godzilla say after he devoured Hawaii?
I WANT SAMOA!!
why cant you hear the pterodactyl pee
because its dead
I beat my swimming coach in a boxing fight.
He threw in the towels.
My mom just told me, “ Don’t forget that tomorrow is Mother’s Day.”
I said, “Remember, it’s also son day.”
If laziness was an Olympic sport.
I'd come in fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.
A century ago, two brothers claimed it was possible to fly
They were Wright
Why do hipsters burn their mouths on coffee?
Because they drink it before it’s cool.
A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun.
Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you." The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. "Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. Before you know it, they're getting down to it. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise. "Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!" "Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"
![[Parody] Competitive Programming](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/no_image_card-155-400x247.png)
Einstein sits next to a man on a long flight.
Einstein says,"Let's play a game. I will ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you will pay me only $5; but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500". The man agrees and the game proceeds. Einstein asks the first question, “What is the distance between the Earth and the Moon?” The man doesn't say a word. He reaches into his pocket, and pulls out $5. He then asks Einstein, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs, but comes down on 4?” Einstein thinks about it for a long time, but fails to answer the question. After almost an hour, he gives the man $500. An irritated Einstein then asks, “Well, so what goes up a hill on 3 legs and comes down on 4?”. The man reaches into his pocket and gives Einstein $5.
dad, Is battleship a fun game?
It’s hit or miss
I didn’t think wearing orthopedic shoes would help me…
I stand corrected.
Someone called me racist for saying “black paint.”
Apparently the politically correct term is "Tyrone, please paint the fence."
My son is a male trapped in a female’s body, so we took him to a psychiatrist.
For some reason, the doc kicked us out when we told him our son was due in in 3 months.
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects ‘fuck’ to ‘duck.
You're still using fowl language.
Has anyone ever had a glass snake as a pet?
I had one once, it was a real pane in the grass to catch though…
Got a new phone, and I went straight to my lawyer’s office.
He's helping me build a case to avoid damages.
Did you hear about the mathematician’s son who was scared of negative numbers?
He stopped at nothing to avoid them.
What did the tie say to the hat?
I’ll hang around here and you go on a-head
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs $2.00. A chicken pie in Trinidad costs $2.40. A chicken pie in St. Kitts costs $2.15.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
How do you keep an idiot busy for hours?
Click here to find out!
I remember exactly where I was when I heard the news that JFK was shot.
7th grade World history class.
My girlfriend and I decided to get married
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me—it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word. She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.” I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight for the door I opened the door, and sprinted towards my vehicle. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.” Moral of the story? Always keep the condoms in the car
The best joke I can think of is quarantine.
If you don't get it, it's because it's an inside joke.
