What did the grape say after it got stood on?
Nothing, it just started wine-ing
If you rearrange all the letters of POSTMEN
You will get them VERY ANGRY
Whilst having sex I suddenly stopped & didn’t move
Wife said 'What are you doing?" I said I've seen this online it's called buffering
a dick’s life
A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess. His family is nuts. His next door neighbor is an asshole. His best friend is a pussy. His owner beats him habitually.
I am giving up drinking for a month
Sorry that came out wrong. I am giving up. Drinking for a month.
Why did the crab cross the road?
He didn't. He used the sidewalk.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the date they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
Not Enough Candles? No Problem! (Finally Found a Use For Binary In Real World)
https://ift.tt/2LQoHNK
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
I saw a kidnapping
I decided to let him sleep
Because I’m British I can say that I smoked a fag and it wouldn’t be offensive
Regardless, I'm told his family cried heaps at the funeral.
So I work in the oil and gas industry and I just lost my job because of all these wind farms
Needless to say, I’m not a big fan.
I’m having a bun filled with ham and pineapple for my lunch today…
That's Hawaii roll…
Heartbreaking
Dallas Morning News – A 15 year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Dallas Cowboys, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
I just got back from the doctor, who told me I’m infertile.
I'm not kidding.
I think I have bad posture
But it's just a hunch.
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.
A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender “how much?”
The bartender replies "For you? No charge."
For a good time go bowling
A woman was having sex with her husbands best friend when her phone rang and her husband's name appeared on the ID. As she answered the call, her lover jumped out of bed and began to dress in a hurry. "relax" she said after she hung up the phone. He was just calling to tell me that he'd be home late because he's out bowling with you.
I asked my friend what an acorn was
He replied, "it's basically a small oak tree, in a nutshell."
I wasn’t sure what to wear to my Pre-Mature Ejaculators Anonymous meeting…
so I just came in my pants.
My husband once bought me a dress two sizes too small to encourage me to lose weight so I could fit into it.
When he gave me the dress, he said that he was "looking forward to seeing you in it." So for his birthday, I bought him a coffin.
If you see a Spanish person tell them “mucho”
It means a lot to them
What did Delaware?
A new Jersey!
People tell me that my phone is more powerful than the computer that put astronauts on the moon.
Yet when I use my phone to navigate it will tell me to turn when there is no turn. But I guess it makes sense since there aren’t a lot of turns between Earth and the Moon.
I have some news for you guys. My Monster is Gay.
He just came out of the closet.
It’s a boomers humor Christmas! Found in a sixty-year-old women’s feed unironically.
https://ift.tt/2t4wstl
When colleague does not have dark mode IDE and asks me to check something on his screen.
https://ift.tt/32HKZbh
If a person overdoeses on Viagra
Do they die hard?
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks “Dry?”
The German replies "Nein, just one."
Why doesn’t the Lorax go to Vietnam?
Because the trees can speak for themselves
What can the coronavirus do that the us government can’t?
Stop school shootings
[Possibly OC] How excited was Wendy to go to Neverland?
She was so excited that she nearly Peter Pans.
I once walked in on my teachers having sex
Being homeschooled was never easy for me
When you die which body part does last?
Your pupils, they Dilate
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.
They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.
It took me two hours to grill a chicken the other day…
And it still didn't tell my why it crossed the road!!!