What did the grape say after it got stood on?
Nothing, it just started wine-ing
Spoiler 90108 for our lives to be over…
"Isn't the bride a right ugly dog" "Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about" "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''… "I'm not . . . I'm her fucking mother.
I haven't heard from him since.
Because they have snow-caps!
I don't know what they were laced with, but I've been tripping all day
A radio station was running a competition – words that weren’t in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.
DJ: “96 FM here, what’s your name?” Caller: “Hi, my name’s Dave.” DJ: “Dave, what’s your word?” Caller: “Goan… spelt G-O-A-N pronounced ‘go-an’.” DJ: “You are correct, Dave, ‘goan’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?” Caller: “Goan fuck yourself!” The DJ cut the caller off and took other calls, all unsuccessful until: DJ: “96 FM, what’s your name?” Caller: “Hi, me name’s Jeff.” DJ: “Jeff, what’s your word?” Caller: “Smee, spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced ‘smee’.” DJ: “You are correct, Jeff, ‘smee’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?” Caller: “Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!”
We were better than The Cure.
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B
Nothing, it's on the house Edit: found out I accidentally reposted. Sorry people but happy holidays
the white house will become forbiden
It must be in Airplane! mode.
Because it was an illeagle.
I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick
He was a very poorly executed character
Anybody on this site have experience in reposting?
… I can't wait to see them all.
No text found
"Oh you know….stuff. "
Their words, not mine
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
Not a joke, I am genuinely curious.
They’re so full of themselves
Credits to u/commonschemeforyou God was creating all the countries and it was Canada's turn He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world" The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their neighbour is"
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”
Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating
I haven't heard back from him since
This guy shows up to his optometrist and says "I have a weird problem", The Optometrists replies, "What seems to be the trouble?" The guys says, "Everything's blurry. My vision is horrible!" "That's pretty common", the Optometrist replies. "We can certainly fix th…" "Wait! Here's the weird thing though" the guy interrupts, "Everything is blurry. EVERYTHING. Except… People's butts. People's butts, dogs butts, cats butts. Butts! I see butts clearly! What's going on?" The Optometrist smiles and calmly replies, "Listen, you've got nothing to worry about. Everyone knows that hindsight is 20/20."
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
I'm a cashew!
"you mean a choir?" Fine… How much does it cost to "acquire" a large singing group?
It's an autumn mobile.
Boss: "Certainly not!" Assistant: "Thank you so much sir."