“What did the leper say to the prostitute after sex?”
"Keep the tip."
Here’s an actual joke from my 6 year old
What is the pirates favorite part of the house? The back-yarrrrrghd! He was very proud of this joke and wanted to know if it was a good pun.
Boss wants to have sex with his secretary
A boss said to his secretary "I want to have sex with you. I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor; by the time you pick it up, I'll be done." She thought for a moment, then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said "Ask him for $2000, and pick up the money very fast; he won't even have enough time to undress himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend decides to call his girlfriend. He asks, "What happened?" She responds, "I'm still picking and he's still fucking! The bastard used COINS!"
/u/username hates the hotel he is staying in and starts packing his stuff.
Username checks out.
[At the museum] My wife: Do you think we are allowed to take pictures?
Me: No, I think they need to stay on the wall.
Why did the hipster fall into the lake?
He went ice skating before it was cool.
How does virgin olive oil become extra virgin olive oil?
After getting dating advice from a Redditor.
My mum said ” A way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
Good lady; awful surgeon.
Why did the banana company fire the truck driver?
He drove them nuts.
Ah yes… because boomers were the only ones that got injured from playing outside. đ
https://ift.tt/340rTxe
My friend asked me, âIs sex weird after one gets a vasectomy?â
I said, âI donât notice a vas deferens.â
We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.
Donât get me wrong, I empathize with her. Iâve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
My neighboor rang my doorbell at 5 am..
Luckily I was already up, playing drums.
Why did an old man fall into a well?
Because he couldn't see that well
When you die, which body part dies last?
The pupils. They dilate.
One of my hair accessories is angry and it’s amusing to watch, but I don’t know what to do now.
I don't want to comb placate things.
I never understood why people are surprised to hear Elvis died on the toilet.
Historically it's rare for a King to leave the throne alive.
My wife is really made at the fact that i have no sense of direction.
So i packed up my stuff and right.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet
Cause they lactose
I have sex almost everyday!!!
Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday, almost on Thursday, almost on Friday, almost on Saturday, almost on Sunday
There were three POWs together in a British prison in the Second World War, a German, a Japanese, and an Italian.
The British began by torturing the German. After long hours of silence infected by bloodcurdling screams, he talked, and was sent back to the prison, ashamed. He told the others what he had done and urged them to be stronger than he was. They next began torturing the Japanese man. Through all the pain and agony, he stayed strong for three days, but in the end, talked. He was sent back to the prison, having brought shame to himself, his family, and his country. They finally sent in the Italian. For an unending three weeks, they tortured him, until they realized if they did anything else to the poor man, he would die, so they sent him back. When he got back to the prison cell bloody and battered, the other POWs asked him, "So? Did you talk?" "How could I talk with my hands tied behind my back?"
It is a poor musician that blames his in cement…
*instrument. … darn autocorrect just screwed up my post.
The teacher teaches me about diffusion ten minutes later
Teacher: Oh my lord why are you sitting on the text books Me: Iâm learning by diffusion
My wife just found out she’s adopted.
She was devastated and kept asking me "Why didn't they want me?" I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked to make love with her, which led to more tears. On reflection, banging her from behind and shouting, "WHO'S YOUR DADDY", was little insensitive.
My wife walked in on me while I was watching porn.
In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel. As my wife walks out again she says: "you should stay on the porn channel… you know how to fish."
I don’t like people that take drugs.
Airport security, for example.
What is the abbreviation for “we have a thing”
No text found
How Long is a Chinese name
No seriously, it is
Give a man a fish, and he won’t see you dump the body in the lake.
Teach a man to fish, and he'll be the only one at the crime scene when the police arrive.
Satan was really mad when he went bald.
There was hell toupee.
What do they put in IPhone batteries?
Apple juice
I’m fine with alchohol, cigarettes and marijuana
But coccaine is where I draw the line
Why do dragons sleep at day time?
So they can fight knights.
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar…
Now don't tell me that's just a coincidence.
What do you call a handjob from Albert Einstein?
A stroke of genius.
I went into a Chinese takeaway last night
The owner of the shop said, What do you do for a riving? I said, What do I do for a living? I'm a bit of a comedian. So the Chinese chap says, Go on then, change color. I said, No. I'm not a chameleon, I'm a comedian. So then he says, Tell me a joke, make me raff. I said, You want me to tell you a joke and make you laugh? Just then his wok caught fire, so I said, Wok. Wok. And he said, Who der?
I played my dad in chess yesterday.
He didn't think he would win, but he just wanted to check.
Every kind of clickbait does these simple things:
No text found
Where do Squirrels go during Hurricanes?
It depends on which direction the wind is blowing.
What is red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint
A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says âMake me one with everythingâ.
The hot dog vendor hands over the sausage and bun with all the trimmings, and the Buddhist hands over a twenty. The vendor pockets it. The Buddhist asks âWhereâs my change?â and the vendor replies âchange must come from withinâ. A gun then extends from the Buddhistâs chest and he asks again. The vendor says âWhoa, man, where did that come from?â The Buddhist replies âThis is my inner pieceâ.