What did the light house keeper do when he lost his job?
He became a maid, he was already accustomed to performing light house work.
My wife is a body builder
She's pregnant
A man was driving down the road
A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?” The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.” “You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said. The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” the officer said. “I did,” the man replied. “And today I’m taking them to the beach."
What’s the difference between an outlaw and an in-law?
Outlaws are wanted.
The sweater my wife gave me was picking up static electricity, so I went to the store to change it.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
I was enjoying a sandwich on a cliff, but it fell from my hands.
I thought to myself… “This sub has gone downhill”.
The nicest thing you could ever do for someone is define the word “bargain”.
It means a great deal.
A truck full of donkeys passed me on the highway
He was really hauling ass.
If pronouncing my B’s as V’s makes me sound Russian
Then soviet.
What did the police do when they caught the thief stealing the desserts from the bakery?
They took him into custardy
A man is walking to his car late at night
When he sees a woman on a shady corner. He goes up to ask if she's alright and she responds "I'm a hooker, are you interested?" The man decides to live a little and takes her up on her offer and they go back to his car and go at it like rabbits. Some time during, a cop pulls up and knocks on the window. "Excuse me sir what exactly are you doing?" The man answers "I'm having sex with my wife" The cop replies with "I apologize, I didn't know." The man responds with "Me neither until you shined that flashlight"
My dad died yesterday.
Now he makes deadjokes.
A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie.
During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says, "Jesus died for your scenes."
My mother used to tell me this joke time and again when I was a child.
A mosquito got old enough to fly on his own, when he came back his mother was happily waiting for him. -"How was your first flight, my dear?" The mother asked. -"Amazing." He answered "Everyone thought I was doing great!" -"Oh yeah? What makes you think that?" -"Well, wherever I went people started clapping!"
My wife said that I act like a detective too much and that she wants to split up.
I told her good idea, we can cover more ground that way.
Alastor said what..?
Alastor said what..?
Bullets are quite weird…
They only do their jobs after they are fired
How do you make an egg roll?
You push it.
On Endor, how does a gentleman end a fight?
Ewocs away
The janitor lady just asked me to smoke some weed with her
I turned her down I don't like high maintenance women
I angered two people by callling them hipsters…….
Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.
How can you tell an ant’s gender?
Simple, put it in water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.
What is a pirate’s average grade ?
Somewhere in the high c's.
I once saw two octopuses that looked the exact same.
They must have been itentacle twins.
I was blessed with a 9 inch penis.
That priest is in prison now.
How do you make Easter easier?
Replace the t with an i.
Several scientists were all posed the following question: “What is 2 * 2 ?”
The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces, “3.99” The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces, “It lies between 3.98 and 4.02” The mathematician cogitates for a while, then announces, “I don't know what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!” Philosopher smiles, “But what do you mean by 2 * 2 ?” Logician replies, “Please define 2 * 2 more precisely.” The sociologist, “I don't know, but is was nice talking about it.” Behavioral Ecologist, “A polygamous mating system.” Medical Student, “4” All others looking astonished, “How did you know ?” Medical Student, “I memorized it.”