What did the nut say when chasing the other nut?
I’m a cashew
A photon checks into a hotel.
The bellhop asks: "Hello, can i help with your luggage?" "Oh thanks, no need, i am travelling light."
“You the bomb.” “No, you the bomb.”
A compliment in America. An argument in the Middle East.
Don’t kiss after midnight
It's not proper to kiss on a first date!
Do mom jokes count?
Mom: Guess who I saw today! Me: who? Mom: Everyone I looked at!
To the guy who invented zero,
thanks for nothing.
My wife kicked me out of the house because I’m still singing Christmas songs.
I said, "But Baby, its cold outside."
Have you guys heard about these new corduroy pillowcases?
They're really making headlines!
Why dont ants get sick?
Because they have anty bodies.
Do you know why cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
People often ask why I’m so good at Dad jokes and it’s simple.
I take an ordinarily terrible pun and take it even father.
I don’t like Civil War jokes
I General Lee don’t find them funny
My son was refusing to eat dinner, so I tried to force feed him.
My wife said, “Use the fricking spoon. You are not a Jedi.”
How do kids tell you their grandparents called?
60s kids: Grandma called. 70s kids: Gramps called. 80s kids: Granny called. 90s kids: Grandmother called. Kids now: Boomerang.
The husband leans over and asks his wife
"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
What does “The Sixth Sense” have in common with “Titanic”?
Icy dead people.
My daughter screeched, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to one word I’ve said, have you!?”
What a strange way to start a conversation with me…
I was telling my architect friends how much I love M.C. Escher.
They all gave me some weird stairs.
Donald Trump, Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton are in a boat, and the boat sinks. Who is saved?
The United States of America.
Why does Snoop Dogg have an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle.
What is Hitler’s favorite Videogame ?
Mein Kraft
Everyone keeps telling me I’m the worst mailman they’ve ever seen.
Shit, I meant to post this somewhere else.
I broke 2 fingers on my right hand today
On the other hand everything is OK. Happy Fathers Day everybody
Nine ants were kicked out of the apartment complex
Because they were not tenants.
Dr. Strange goes to Dormamu’s house
Dr. Strange : Knock, knock Dormamu : Who's there? Dr. Strange : door mom Dormamu : door mom who? Dr. Strange : DoorMomWho, I've come to bargain
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store…
…so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend. They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big starchy chap, took the booze in his stride; while the little pea reached to all the sugar and started to get a touch hyperactive. At the end of the night, the three friends found themselves leaving a bar at the top of a tall hill, when all of a sudden the pea started bouncing up and down excitedly: "Lads! Lads! I've got a great idea! We’re all vaguely round in shape, let's not get a cab home, let's just roll down the hill!" and before the others could protest he was off – shooting down the hill at a rate of knots. The lemon lurched after him, but soon started listing violently from side to side as he went, owing to his oval shape, which did nothing for his unsettled stomach. With a sigh, the potato trundled along slowly behind. By the time the potato had bounced his way to the bottom of the hill, the lemon was spewing lemon juice all over the pavement, but the pea was already jumping up and down again "that was great, that was great, let's do it again!". The lemon was now chundering up pips with the acid, but the pea didn't seem to care "Come on! let's go again, that was great!". The potato turned to him and said "Easy peasy, lemon's queasy."
Why did the banana put on make-up?
To look more ap-peel-ing!
Birthdays are good for your health
Studies have proven that people who have more of them live longer.
The cocaine that I bought is so white..
..That the cops just let it go with a warning.